UNDER PRESSURE || HUENING KAI

45. Better Now

Y/N—
TW: mentions of panic attack, thoughts of death

It's been a few weeks since we began the "plan" Bang Sihyuk had in store for us. A few weeks that felt like years, in my opinion.

My members were all still mad at me. They treated me as cold as ever, not speaking to me unless they absolutely needed to. I was incredibly upset about it for a while, but I couldn't get myself to be upset at them because I knew I was ultimately the one putting them through this.

We hadn't been able to properly rest ever since it started. Everyone was tired, grumpy, and passing out constantly—our health was only something holding us back at this point. The standards that Bang held for us in terms of this plan was brutal and we were expected to do everything properly or else these efforts would be taken from us and given to another group.

I was a mess, although I tried to hide it with everyone. Being shut out by my members was the last thing I ever wanted as their leader, and I couldn't add showing my weakness on top of that. For a while I was in a pit of despair again, wishing that this would all be over.

It was especially hard that my personal life was also taken from me. I didn't have time to see Kai anymore, and we ended up fighting about that. That night, I truly thought that not being an idol would be better than this, any of this. It was getting old, constantly feeling like I was fighting for nothing and constantly wondering why and what I was doing this for.

Was is the fame? The money? The validation?

Or was it the fact that I felt like I held so much responsibility and that I'd die of guilt if I dropped out?

The only thing allowing me to hold on at this point was him. Now that Kai and I were on good terms and he was supporting me and was one of the closest people in my life, I didn't want to let him down. I didn't want him to see me crumble like I knew I was, and I wanted to make him proud by showing him that I could do this. Knowing he was there for me made me stronger and I honestly wasn't sure where I would be if he wasn't here, supporting me.

But it was double edged sword. I wished that I could give him my everything, make him mine, and always be together. I fantasized about days where I could just be with him and not think about work. I'd given him such a weak part of myself and I was sometimes scared as to what would happen—if one day he'd wake up and decide I wasn't enough for him. It was a thought the constantly shrouded my mind, caused by an insecurity that has stuck with me ever since my childhood and now impacts every single one of my relationships.

However, he continued to prove me wrong, showing me in so many different ways that he would support me forever and was truly my number one fan.

There was one night where I was feeling incredibly low. I had a huge stage performance coming up in MAMA, which was to take place soon. At this point I was practicing nonstop, dancing and singing for brutal hours on end. It got so bad to the point where my throat was in constant pain and it was almost unbearable to dance with the pain in one of my knees. I'd practice until I couldn't, cry in pain, and then start all over again—those were how my days looked leading up to this show.

I actually wished I was dead. I thought about it, so many times, that dying would be better than feeling this way. I felt worthless with how brutal my dance and vocal instructors were on me. I felt an intense weight on my shoulders to make this stage performance absolutely spotless, because anything less would disappoint fans and the CEO, thus putting our group at an even worser disadvantage.

That night, my anxiety was the worst it'd been in a while. This often happened when I was overwhelmed and stressed, but recently I hadn't had a panic attack this severe. I'd learned how to handle it on my own with how often it happened—I'd sit up, add up numbers in my head repeatedly, and then would take my inhaler. However, tonight, I thought I got through the worse part and was finally beginning to calm down. I got up to get my inhaler and but passed out completely, only to wake up a few seconds later on the floor with my head pounding.