UNDER PRESSURE || HUENING KAI

49. Drowning

Y/N—
Warning: anxiety, descriptions of death, coma
*this is all pure fiction and not an accurate representation of reality

I couldn't remember anything.

I should've known then that there was something wrong. When I felt like I was no longer in control of my body and just going through the motions. My brain had had enough and shut down, leaving me an empty shell as I was on stage, merely running through what I had practiced a million times because that was all I knew. It was an unfamiliar and scary feeling, but what came afterwards was scarier.

As I stumbled backstage after my performance, I was completely out of it. I couldn't remember where I was or what I was doing, and that caused panic to surge through every inch of me. A scary thought occurred in my mind—I didn't even know who I was, what I was doing, why I was here. I couldn't breathe because I was so afraid, passing out.

But then I could suddenly could see myself in the third point of view, I was still aware and knew what was happening. I somehow felt...free. Like something snapped inside of me, and all chains holding me down broke, letting me finally fly away.

I remember thinking, 'ah...this is nice' and then 'am I dead, then?'

For some reason, I wasn't scared. I no longer felt like I was underwater, where the pressure was strong and weighing me down. I was no longer drowning, I was free.

Was this what it felt like to be free?

I then saw so many things in this moment which felt like an eternity.

I saw amazing things, all the wonderful memories I lived that I didn't realize I treasured so much. Watching it all back made me so happy and I wondered why I was now seeing this.

All the birthdays I celebrated with my siblings, our ski trips and vacations together. I hadn't seen my siblings in so long—I had to reach out to them soon and see them again, because I missed them so much. I saw my old friends, the fun we used to have at school—where were they now? It'd be fun to have a reunion. I saw myself growing up slowly, smiling happily—I want those days back.

I suddenly wondered why I felt so alone all my life. When seeing this right now, there were obviously so many people supporting me, so many around to uplift me.

I saw the time I finally debuted, and the overwhelming happiness that I had felt back then—debuting changed me as a person, in good ways too. I saw the memories I shared with my members—I shouldn't hold a grudge against them anymore, we still had so much more time to spend together.

I saw Kai. The first time I met him, the tiny scrawny kid he used to be...I should make sure he keeps eating well. All the times we spent together when we were kids—eating ice cream by the beach, holding hands at the park, living and loving so freely and without a care in the world. I wanted to do that again with him, now. I saw the moment I got to see him again in the back room of Music Bank, and although I remember treating him so coldly, I felt the happiness that soared through me the moment my eyes landed on him. Although it took me a while to confess to it, my love for him started to grow and grow ever since that.

I was so ridiculously happy, wishing I could just sit here and relive all the best moments of my life, over and over again. There were so many memories here, it'd take forever to go through them all, and I really really wanted to do that.

But not only that, but there were so many things I wanted to do now. Watching my best memories reminded me that there was so much more to this life than wallowing in self-hatred. This life was short and I've lived this far wasting the best parts of it when I shouldn't have. Feeling so lost and wondering if this was all there was to life. But I was wrong, so terribly wrong.