UNDER PRESSURE || HUENING KAI

15. Let Her Go

HUENING KAI—

I looked up to her.

She was so radiant, talented, kind, and genuine. She made sure to always keep a positive mindset despite her struggles and never hesitated to lend anyone a helping hand. She always smiled, always made me laugh when I was sad, always comforted me when I needed it most. She was patient with me when I pushed her away and stayed with me even when she didn't need to.

She was the person that crossed my mind each time I felt down, felt like lashing out, or wanted to break down—and the thought of her always calmed me down. What would Y/N do in this situation? How would Y/N approach this?

But looking at her now, I couldn't see that Y/N I had always looked up to. She was gone, she was dead, she wasn't the person I used to look up to.

This whole time, part of me wondered—no, hoped—that I would be able to break down her walls and she'd return back to the Y/N I used to know. I thought that maybe, because we used to have something special, she would hold a soft spot for me. But I was proven wrong—I was just like anyone else to her, people for her to release her anger on and mistreat.

She was overworked, suffering, in physical pain, but the Y/N I once knew would never use that as an excuse to treat others as horribly as I have seen her. There were ways she could get help, and I was sure I wasn't the only one that had tried. If this kept going, her life could be at risk—I'm sure she knew that. So why was she doing this?

I returned back to the practice room, my heart feeling like metal in my chest. I didn't look at her, and she didn't look at me. As the day went on, I grew more and more upset, being forced to touch and look at her in the routine knowing that I was making her uncomfortable. Despite us dancing together throughout practice, the tension between us was thick enough for others to catch onto it. I only wished for it all to end, for me to not have to be around her anymore and feel this way.

When practice ended, I left immediately, not wanting to engage in conversation with anyone. I put on my headphones and headed out, taking the long way back home.

I rerouted and stopped by the convenience store and grabbed ice cream before heading to Han River to walk around and sit on one of the benches to sort out my thoughts. As I stared off into the city lights, the only thing on my mind was her.

The more I got lost in my thoughts, the more my heart hurt. It ached so painfully in my chest that I wanted to rip it out. Why was she being so cruel? She was the one that ghosted me with no goodbye, no explanation, after everything we had gone through together. And then I see her for the first time in years, and she is just so different. What happened in between?

Before I knew it, my eyes started to well up but I quickly blinked away the tears, chastising myself over crying. She was just a crush. It didn't matter. She didn't matter to me anymore.

But looking out into the city tonight, remembering how her and I went here on my birthday, ate tanghulu, and goofed around. She bought me so many presents that day, which I still have and keep displayed in my room, making it even harder to forget about her.

"To many Huening birthdays to come!"

She had said that that night. That, to me, felt like a promise at the time. That she'd be here for all my other birthdays and celebrate with me, too. That we'd stay as close as we were forever. What happened to that, Y/N?

I sighed and wiped my eyes, not daring to let any tears fall. I flinched and turned around when I felt a small tap on my shoulder, surprised to see none other than Choi Soobin standing there.