Kelly and Stella : Coming Back Together Again

Talking it out

It's been a few days since they had their therapy session and the first night they both have time after the kids to go to bed to talk. As they both got ready for bed themselves knowing it wouldn't be long after their conversation they would go too. "You ready for this conversation" Stella asks Kelly. "Yes and no. It'll be fine though. What about you" he responds. "Yep. What all do you want to talk about" Stella asks. "None of it really but I know I have to. Let's deep dive into my alcoholism and the kids. Also if you want we can discuss when you became a lieutenant" Kelly tells her. "That's fine with me" Stella tells him as they grab waters out of the fridge and head to the couch sitting down. "If you raise your voice even one time I'm leaving this conversation and we'll revisit it in a little while. I don't care how long it takes us to but this conversation is being had in full tonight" Stella tells him. "I don't care how long it takes either. It's got to be done" Kelly told her as he grabbed her hand to hold it. "Do you want me or you to start" Kelly asks Stella. "I think it's best if you start this one" Stella says. "Oh shit. Where do I start" Kelly says with a unsure chuckle. "Start back when you started drinking right after we got together" Stella tells him

"Okay. About why I first turned to drinking heavy is where I will start" Kelly says. "Okay that's fine" Stella responds. "We had that big factory fire off of West Washington and when we lost those 5 kids and 10 adults all in the same fire I knew I had to numb it. I couldn't come to terms with the fact we saved absolutely no one in that fire. We failed them that day and we all know it but my way of coping was drink it out of my thoughts. I now realize that I've gotten sober what a mistake that was but at the time it felt good and it felt right. The deeper in it I went the more I became dependent on it and the better I thought I felt about it" Kelly tells her. "Why didn't you try to go to therapy then or just talk to someone not even necessarily a therapist" Stella asks. "Because I didn't want to deal with it or think about it so I went a route that didn't allow me to think about it" Kelly tells Stella. "Did you ever think about the impact your decisions would have on those around you" Stella asks. "This is mean and I'm sorry but I didn't care. I was very stupid at that time in my life and didn't realize the good I truly had around me like you, my mom, Boden, and really the whole firehouse. I felt alone and was to stupid to realize what I had in front of me" Kelly tells her. "Do you think in another situation like that now you would react that way" Stella responds. "Absolutely not. I now realize that therapy truly does help. I have the firehouse in my corner and that we are all fighting the same fight every day together. We're in it together. I also realize that I can feel things and that's okay. I don't have to bottle it up anymore. If I struggle with a call now I just go to the kids and spend time with them because they make me forget in a much healthier way than alcohol ever did" Kelly tells her. "At what point did you realize you had a full on problem with it" Stella asks. "Umm I would say roughly 4 or 5 months in it. I just didn't act on it for another 2 years" Kelly tells her. "Let me just give you a completely through story. When I first started was after that big fire then as you saw I just continued downhill from there. I thought about quitting after about 5 months of that but then you got pregnant with Brandon. At that point I found the excuse of drown my worries about being a parent out. What if I just turned out to be like Benny or even worse was a constant question in my head. Another big concern is how will this change my life. Will it be for the better and I go and turn into the best thing to ever happen to me which thankfully I did or do I fuck it up like I do everything else and then I lose everything. I'm scared of failure and becoming a parent and being a parent is no exception even to this day. I'm mortified to be like Benny. So I tuned out those thoughts so to say and drank to that. Then after you had Brandon you dealt with some stuff and I didn't know how to deal with that because I didn't even deal with my own emotions I sure didn't know how to help someone else. I'm sorry for that. Then I just found excuse after excuse to keep drinking. We then a couple years got pregnant with Ella and I kept the excuses up until she was a few months old. You leaving me and me hurting Brandon is probably the best thing to happen to my life if I'm being honest and I hate to say that but it's true. Had you never left me I don't think I would have ever taken a minute to really reflect on the impact of my decisions and same with me hurting Brandon. I'm sorry for that too by the way. I knew once you left me and Brandon got hurt though I needed to get help and I needed it stat or my nightmare of becoming Benny and you being a Jennifer would be my reality and I certainly couldn't have lived with that so I went to that little 3 month rehab after I told Boden about what had been happening off shift" Kelly tells her. "Why did you only think about it after the damage was done " She asks him. "It's not that I didn't think about it. It's that's I didn't care because I didn't think you would ever leave me and I always thought I could hide it well from the kids" Kelly tells Stella. "Do you think you would be sober now had I not left and Brandon didn't get told what he did" Stella asks him. "I can't honestly answer that question with certainty but I can hope that I would have stopped by now" Kelly tells her. "I have a few questions for you though now" Kelly says. " Shoot em at me" Stella says. "Why knowing that I was dealing with alcohol issues did you let me get you pregnant twice or even stick beside me" he asks. "As for why I stuck beside you it's because I loved you and didn't want to give up on you because I had seen the amazing person you were before and knew you could get back to that if you wanted when you were ready. As for why I let you get me pregnant twice while still drinking is also because I loved you and saw the good in you. In hindsight I wish we would have waited just a little while but I'm glad it happened when it happened because I love our 2 kiddos more than anything " Stella tells him. "I'm glad it happened when it did too ultimately but I do wish often we could go back and redo that again so I wouldn't fuck it up in the beginning with them both" Kelly tells her. "Me too but it is what it is and everything happened when it was supposed to" Stella tells him. "I've got to say the biggest sorry to you though about how shitty I was to you in the first go around and also the biggest thank you for never giving up on me" Kelly tells her. "I couldn't imagine it any other way" Stella tells him. "So my next question is how did my struggles affect you especially the more it took over my life" Kelly asks. "Well in the beginning it didn't really affect me to much. I lived at my place and you had your own so I didn't really see it much. Then you asked me to move in and I did then even at first I don't think it truly hit me how bad it actually was. I don't think it fully hit me how bad you truly were at that time until I started trying to talk to you and you couldn't hold a conversation down. Then it turned into not communicating because you were never sober off shift. Then you got to were you would go get black out drunk at Mollys and I would have to bring you on back home. Then you stopped getting drunk at Mollys to hide the consistency behind how much you were drinking so you started drinking at home and you would get drunk and take stuff out of cabinets and break it because you'd drop it or you would pass out on the kitchen floor. You passed out on the bedroom floor and bathroom floor too. You there towards the end would only ever make it to the kitchen and then you would fall down to drunk. I've had to take you to the hospital before with you plastered because your head would hit the corner of the counter as you would fall. I've lied to Boden to cover your drinking before. I would say in the beginning again it had really no affect but the more that I saw and the worse it got it definitely became more and more painful but also very frustrating. I needed you as a partner and you weren't there" Stella told him. "I'm sorry" Kelly said realizing just how fucked up he truly used to get. "I honestly don't remember 98% of the things you just said. I do remember how I used to pass out on the floor a lot in here and in the bathroom and bedroom floor but beyond that I truly don't remember. Yes you needed a partner in me and I'm sorry that at that point in my life I was failing you" Kelly tells her. "I've done long forgiven you" Stella tells him. "Is there ever a time that you wish you would have left but didn't" Kelly asks. "Honestly yes and no. As Brandon got older I wish I would have protected him more but other than that no" Stella tells him. "Yeah I could have seen that for sure" Kelly tells her."I have another question for you. Do you ever wish you still drank" Stella asks Kelly. "Absolutely not. I used to at first crave one every now and again but haven't in a couple years now" Kelly says. "That's good to know" Stella says. "If you ever have any cravings don't hesitate to come to me and talk to me about it" Stella says. "Thank you" Kelly tells her. "Are you ready to talk about our issues when I moved up the ladder about the lack of support " Stella asks. "As I'll ever be" He says