Kelly and Stella : Coming Back Together Again

Honest conversations

Stella had decided that her and Kelly needed to have yet another conversation about the effect of his drinking and her PPD because she felt like she still was holding a lot from him so Kelly told her that they would have the conversation again once the kids were in bed

"Do you want me to get you anything before I come sit down" Kelly asks her coming out of Brandons room from putting him down. "No thank you" Stella told him as he grabbed him a Pepsi and went to sit down on the couch. "Are you ready for this" Kelly asks Stella as he took a seat beside her. "I think so. Ready or not though it's time" Stella tells him. "Let me tell you something first and that is please don't ever hesitate to come to me about anything because one thing I'll never do is throw something in your face. Now with a question did you only have PPD with Brandon or with both him and Ella" Kelly asks her. "Only with Brandon thankfully. I was already under enough stress by the time I had Ella that I don't know if I could have managed it or gotten through it with her especially like I did with Brandon" Stella tells him. "What causes PPD" Kelly asks. "I'm not sure honestly" Stella says. "Oh ok I wasn't sure if It's genetic or what" Kelly says. "No clue" Stella tells him. " Any more questions yet or can I start now" Stella asks. "You can start" Kelly tells her

"I'll only tell you the parts I left out tonight because I feel like you've heard the rest plenty. I actually started to have PPD when I was 8 months pregnant but honestly thought it was just regular depression that I occasionally sometimes get and especially with the surrounding circumstances it wasn't going to surprise me if it was just regular depression. I thought that up until I had Brandon and came home with him and started noticing how I had a little bit of a struggle initially to connect with him which caused extreme guilt because I felt like I was the problem and I guess in a way I was. I was always exhausted beyond just the normal tired which I credit to the fact I truly did not sleep much at that time because I was so scared I would go to sleep and something would happen to him. So I decided I would stay up and watch him because if I was watching him I felt like nothing could happen. I cried all the time for absolutely nothing and you know me I'm not a crier. I would eat something and then feel like I was going to get sick so I wouldn't eat for a couple days then the same would happen again with my loss of appetite just getting worse over time which is actually what made me get diagnosed with PPD officially when he was a couple months old because I went to the doctor thinking I was sick. It caused me intrusive thoughts like wanting to jump off a bridge out of belief it wouldn't get better because in my mind how could it or trying my best to never sleep because if I did he would die of sids. I also feared he just would never love me because of how disconnected we were at first because that was something I couldn't figure out how to do and didn't understand what I was doing wrong to change it" Stella says before pausing and continuing "I really think that's all about it that I hadn't shared before" Stella tells him. "How long did that go on for" Kelly asks her. "He was almost 5 months old when it just gradually started to go away" Stella says causing Kelly to give her a shocked look. "That's a long while to have those thoughts and not tell anyone" Kelly says. "I know but I truly didn't have anyone to turn to" Stella tells him. " Well I wish I could say I was there in that way for you but I know I wasn't so once again I'm sorry. Maybe a therapist would have been helpful " Kelly tells her. "Yes but at that time I wasn't ready to go to therapy yet. I feel like you need to be told this because of how much you say sorry for it. You don't have to keep apologizing. You've changed a completely 360 since then and I've done long forgiven you as has Brandon for y'all's hick up. It's okay to forgive yourself too" Stella tells Kelly. "Thank you " Kelly tells her. "What made you fully realize it might be PPD and not just your normal depression " Kelly asks. "When my symptoms started to multiply and when the symptoms started becoming what they were. I knew I would have never had that in just a normal depression " Stella tells him. "Gotcha. I'm sorry that you had to go through that and again sorry I contributed heavily into why you had to do that alone" Kelly tells her. "Nothing to be sorry for" Stella tells him. "So are you still up to talk about the effect my drinking had on you or wait until tomorrow night " Kelly asks. "No we're discussing that tonight. I'm fine" Stella says

"Are you ready for me to start" Stella asks Kelly. "Yes" Kelly says. "Ok so in the beginning like I've said it didn't really bother me and truly didn't until I moved in and watched it progressively get worse. When it first started to get worse I kinda blamed myself due to the fact it got worse not long after I moved in. I now understand the true cause of that wasn't me but at the time I felt like I could be at fault like it was something you thought you wanted but it back fired so to say and you changed your mind. At different points of it I felt really depressed over it because of how alone it made me feel and that I actually was especially since I sure couldn't tell Boden or Casey because those were your superiors and that could have cost you your career. Me and your mom weren't close at the time and I truly don't think I could have gone to her with something like that and then there was you who made me feel that way. I felt a lot of guilt due to the fact you were sick with something that you had to be ready to get better and want it. No one could do that for you and I always wished I would have been able to since I was the one that truly knew everything. I extensively worried after I moved in especially watching it progress but even in the beginning because of how drunk you would get. I feared for your safety and how would I be able to help when you're shit faced drunk so you certainly can't help me get you help. I after Brandon was born had a lot of doubt rather I should stay with you or not because I didn't want you around him like that and for the most part thankfully we avoided that but I do wish just as I know you do that we could have completely avoided it. I often found myself very confused because we were together romantically but we didn't really act like it except occasionally or feel like we were" Stella told Kelly. "I really hate I ever have made you feel any of those but even worse that I've caused them all. I definitely agree with us as a couple during that time. The only time we ever really acted like we were together was when we were having sex and again I'm sorry that's on me because of my lack of being present for anything. I also really hate that I ever got around Brandon drunk as well. Please don't ever feel bad or guilty over actions that I myself and I only caused. My drinking was no fault of anyone except me and my shitty coping skills" Kelly tells her. "I know that now I just didn't at that time and appreciate you saying that. I love you " Stella says. "I love you too " Kelly told her as they sat there a few more minutes in silence trying to fully process what all they both just said before deciding to go to bed for the night.

* As always thank you for reading. I hope you enjoyed it 🙏. Please feel free to leave any suggestions or feedback in the comments*