Back Together

❤︎︎ Thirty-Six ❤︎︎

It had been 2 weeks. I was at home and Lando was the Brazilian Grand Prix and we were still on a break. I went live on insta because I was bored and I was honestly looking like a complete state. My hair was slightly matted, I hadn't brushed my teeth, I had no sleep, I hadn't even showered. I was so fucked. Lando joined my live and put a message in chat

@landonorris: Hey, sweetie. Are you okay? You don't look so good.

"I'm not good at all... I've not slept, I've not showered in nearly a week, I've not brushed my teeth in a week, my hair is matted because I've not brushed it... I'm a mess"

@landonorris: Baby, I'm so sorry. I wish you would have told me. I'm on my way home now. Please don't try to handle this alone anymore

"you can't come home... you just finished a race..." I said while wiping my tears

@landonorris: No, I can't let you go through this alone. I'll make sure to rest up on the way home. Just hang in there. I'll be home soon, sweetheart xx

"okay..." I said and I ended the live before I burst into tears. I was curled up on the couch and after multiple hours he finally came through the door and ran straight to me on the couch. I burst into even more tears and he sat down and pulled me on his lap. I had my head in his neck and he had his arm wrapped around my waist while softly kissing my neck to calm me down and stroking my back with his other hand.

"It's okay to cry, sweetie. I'm here now" he said. Him calling me sweetie made me cry even more. I had so many emotions going on at once. I was depressed because I felt so lonely, I was angry for putting us on the break but I was also happy that he was back with me

"I hate myself for putting us on that break" I said while shaking like crazy and sniffling between pretty much every word. I was getting close to a panic attack. Lando kept rocking me in his arms and holding me close

"Shh... It's okay, sweetie. We're together now, and that's all that matters. Don't blame yourself for wanting some space. It's completely normal" he said. My lungs were getting tighter and it felt like the room was getting smaller. I literally couldn't breathe. "Shh... Breathe, baby. In through your nose and out through your mouth. Slow and steady" he said as he pulled slightly away and got me to face him. I still couldn't breathe and he could see that. He picked me up and took me to our bed because he knew I was gonna pass out. He knew that I couldn't breathe at all and I was struggling too much that I wouldn't be able to get my breathing back on track unless I passed out so he laid me on the bed and kept stroking my head. I was hyperventilating like crazy. I couldn't breathe properly. "It's okay, sweetie. You can breathe now. Just focus on your breathing for a moment. I've got you... I'm not going anywhere" he said. I could hear his voice shaking. He always got so scared when he saw me like that but he always hid it every time because he didn't want me to get worse. I passed out for about 15 minutes and woke up with my head on Lando's lap and he was stroking my hair.

"Wha- what happened...?"

"You had a panic attack and passed out on my lap. Don't worry, you're safe now. We need to get you some help, okay?"

"I don't need any more help from other people. I just need you right now..." I said while he pulled me on his lap while rubbing my back. My lungs were still hurting from my panic attack

"I'm here for you, sweetie. I'll never leave your side. But please, let me help you get through this"

"I probably stink... I haven't had a shower in a week and I haven't brushed my teeth in a week and my hair is matted because I haven't brushed it..."

"You don't stink, sweetie. And trust me, I've seen worse hair than yours. Let me help you with that too" he said. He carried me to the bathroom and ran a bath for us. Thank god we had a big enough tub to fit us both in. He brushed my teeth while waiting for the bath to run and then we both got in. I sat in front of him and he put tons of conditioner in my hair and then slowly started to brush out little sections of my hair so it wouldn't hurt too much. It took a good 3 hours to sort out my hair but he finally managed it. He dried my hair with a towel and put it in 2 Dutch braids and then wrapped me up in the fluffiest towel we had. "I know it's tough. But you can do it, sweetie. If anyone can pull through this, it's you. And you don't have to face it alone" he said. He was talking about my drugs thing again.

"I think the only thing that would put me off drugs fully is having a baby but it's way too early for that. we've only been together for like 4 months"

"We don't need to think about that right now, sweetie. Let's just focus on getting you through this week without drugs"

"I'd rather become a fucking alcoholic"

"Look, I get that you're frustrated and scared, but there are better ways to cope than turning to substances. You're stronger than this, sweetie"

"I'm really not. I've cancelled 3 photoshoots because I know I just won't be able to do it"

"Well, maybe this is a sign that you need to take a break from modelling for a while? It might be worth taking a little break?"

"take a break from fucking life. I'd rather be in a coma right now"

"That's not funny"

"it is kinda funny"

"You really don't care about your health, do you?"

"no, I don't"

"Sweetheart, you know that continuing to use drugs will only make things worse for you in the long run"

"and...?"

"Think about your future, sweetie. What do you want out of life? Do you really want to throw it all away for drugs?"

"Yes, I do want to throw it all away because life sucks. we all live miserable and shitty lives just for us to die in the end anyways"

"That's not true, sweetie. Not everyone lives a miserable life. You just have to find happiness in the little things. And as for dying, no one knows what happens after that"

"I bet it's just pure hell"

"You're letting your fear and despair consume you, sweetie. You're better than this. Please don't give up on yourself. There's so much more to life than drugs"

"I've already given up on myself, Lan"

"I wish you wouldn't talk like that, sweetie. You're so young and beautiful. Don't throw your life away over something as temporary as drugs"

"we're not young. we're 24..."

"Compared to the universe, we're still young. And you're absolutely gorgeous, inside and out. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise"

"I'm not..."

"Yes, you are. You're kind, talented, funny, and have a heart of gold. Don't let drugs cloud your vision of who you truly are. You deserve better"

"i don't deserve better"

"Of course you do, sweetie. Everyone deserves better than to be trapped by their addiction. You just have to believe that there's more waiting for you on the other side of this"

"like what?"

"Like love, success, and happiness. But first, you have to help yourself by getting through this week without drugs. Can you do that for me?"

"Fine"