Antwoord - Joost Klein

23.

The walls of the bus felt like they were closing in on me as the ceiling was pressing me to the floor. I was being crowded into a tight small hole while the only thing there was left to do was scream in panic.

"Hey, you good?" I heard Joost concerned voice ask from behind me.

I was barely able to hold myself up as I pounded on the door. I was struggling to breathe as old memories were floating in my brain. I wasn't able to catch my breath, I wasn't able to eat or drink, I wasn't able to move. I was simply stuck.

I was stuck in my own nightmare my mother had created for me with her best intention. She wanted the best for me which was to get skinny so I could be respected and be seen as beautiful. No fat person would ever be wanted by anyone, or that was what I grew up believing. And by fat, I mean having fat show, you could weigh 45 kg and in my mother's eyes still be fat.

I was letting my head rest against the door as I desperately tried keeping my cool. Joost had already seen me cry yesterday, he didn't need to know how I felt or acted when I had a panic attack. I was usually so good at hiding and pushing down my emotions but now I felt like I was wearing them on my sleeves ready for someone to use me.

"Ellie, please sit down" Joost softly said as his hand made contact with my shoulder trying to make me turn around.

I didn't. I stood my ground fearing if I turned around then he would never be able to respect me or my work because he had seen me in this vulnerable state where I wasn't able to take care of myself.

I needed to take care of myself, since I was in reality the only person I could always rely on. As much as I loved Aggu, I knew I would never be able to let my own problems be his. I was afraid it was going to ruin what we had since the last time I let someone else take care of me, Zarti broke up with me.

Breaking up is natural but we had such a strong connection in my head. We loved and cared for each other while still maintaining a good happy life. I was happy when I was with him but maybe it was because I let my problems out instead of keeping them inside. Yet that was also probably what drove him away.

I took my shoulder to me as I tried escaping from Joost's touch in the small room that wasn't so small but only in my head. In my head I was barely able to move as the oxygen level was running out.

"Please just fuck off Joost, get the fuck away from me" I said from my corner.

"Kinda hard to do so right now since we're trapped in this room. There is not anywhere I can fuck off to, no escape" he said trying to be understanding and calm but what he didn't know was that those few words would send my head into another spiralling panic.

"No, no n-" My words were cut off by my own throat as they were stuck just like my body.

Everything was closing in on me. My eyes felt like they were burning. I squatted down in the corner while my hands went for my hair. I was pulling it trying to remove the pain from my heart that felt like it was being poked through. My screams could do no help in the soundproof room.

I wasn't in control of my own body at that point as it was living its own life. I couldn't move or control the tears starting to stream down my cheeks. I had been passed off by someone else's hand that made the decisions for how I was able to live. I would live in the small dark closet forced to be in the company with my own thoughts.

I was forced to turn around against my own will as his hands settled on my dripping cheeks. His soft eyes deepening into mine without dismissing me or leaving me to cry. He was squatted down too so we were at equal levels, no one above another, simply the same.