Antwoord - Joost Klein

22.

Eleanor POV:

My consciousness came back before I was able to open my eyes. The first thing I felt was the banging headache that was crashing down on me. The second thing I felt was the alcohol from yesterday's actions threatening to come up. The third thing I felt was that I was not alone.

I was laying halfway on top of someone. Their arms were around my waist while I was nuzzled into their chest. It was awfully good, almost as if it was Zarti's arms I was back in.

The comfort I felt from being held by the person I loved and gave all my love to. I put my whole heart into the relationship so to be able to be hugged so tightly was all I thought about. I was his and he was mine while we rested in each other's arms.

That love I felt for Zarti was heartbreaking when I wasn't allowed to love him anymore. I had so much love to give but just to think about being rejected like that was enough for me to never try again. I didn't want to get my heart broken again so by never initiating that touch with anyone, then I didn't let my love being given away.

I let my eyes open to the harsh summer sun shining through the windows that someone had forgotten to drape the curtains. As my eyes adjusted to the light, I was able to see my surroundings. I saw a much bigger room than my own bunk.

I then looked at the chest of the person I was laying on top of. It was a blond man; I would almost call him an albino. Wait, no it can't be.

Is that Joost Klein?

Memories started floating back from last night. I felt like I remembered everything, yet I didn't remember a thing. I remember being very desperate for someone to touch me as I got drunk, I remember wanting to feel loved, so I let someone touch me. Well, it ended up with me touching them instead.

That wasn't how I wanted it to end but it somehow did, and I couldn't really do anything about it since I indicated it in the first place. I saw it as the quicker I was done with it, the quicker I could get away, but I wasn't able to escape on my own.

The next thing I remember is sitting in a bathtub with Joost where I suddenly started crying in front of him. Fuck no, no, no, no, no. He was not going to see me as some weak object who couldn't control her emotions and he would think of me as someone who isn't able to be working for him.

I had ruined all my chances of ever becoming successful for showing that side of me. I had ruined the relationship I had with Joost. I had let my walls crash down in front of me and he was now going to use it all against me.

I felt like he knew way too much about me. He knew my weakness and he knew how sorry I felt for what I did. He knew that this facade I was holding up was a projection layer of the real me.

I hated that he knew so much about me but for some reason I didn't hate him. I hated him for the things he had done, but he as a person was not someone I hated. I somehow felt relieved yet terrified that he was so known to how I felt. Most terrified though since I didn't like the emotional side of me, and he was the first since Zarti that had brought into in the light.

All I wanted was to just get away from him, he knew too much. I couldn't let him in, it would be too tough for me. All I had to do was ignore him for the rest of my life and never speak another word to him, then everything would be fine.

The alcohol came further up into my throat, and I knew I had to make a run for it. Not only to not throw up in the bed, but also to get the fuck away from Joost.

I snickered out of his grip with him still sleeping very heavily. Small hairs had fallen in front of his face as a few snores left his mouth. He looked so peaceful as he was sleeping so softly. Joost was a surprisingly a pretty sleeper.