Antwoord - Joost Klein

41.

"Good morning sweetheart, or should I say old lady?" Joost piped up from the corner of the table booth.

I had slept so long which was the first time in years. After the celebration last night, I was completely knocked out next to Joost. No talk or touch was needed, all I needed was to know he was right beside me.

Surprisingly I didn't even get drunk. We went out to a bar with everyone and just chilled. I didn't want anything big, and I got what I wanted. I wanted the people I cared most about around me which they happily agreed to do.

During the night Zachi had pulled Joost and I aside to apologise for his little outburst earlier in the night. He knew it was out of proportion to yell at Joost like that, which he felt very embarrassed about. Joost accepted his apology in seconds, not wanting to cause any drama but simply focusing on having a good night.

Just as Joost left, Zachi pulled my ear close to him as he whispered:" If he ever hurts you, just remember that I'm always here for you. No matter if it's as a friend or more"

I didn't tell that last part to Joost since there was no reason for him to get jealous when I knew that Zachi wasn't going to be a part of my daily life. Or at least for a little while until we would return back to Germany next week where 01099 had promised to be an opener for the concert.

"Shut the fuck up, I'm only a few months older than you" I flipped him off as I took a seat opposite to him.

"Don't sit over there, come here" He was quick to suggest as he patted a spot next to him.

"Not if you are going to insult me like that" I teased, crossing my arms.

"Please baby" He whined.

"Please baby stop that or I'm going to hurl" Teun said from the kitchen as he was chopping something.

I grabbed a plate as I had half of a bun with butter. I may not have gotten far in my recovery but every day I set myself a new challenge: today it was adding butter.

"Remember Brenda will show up later today, you only have to suffer for a few more minutes" Joost reminded him.

"A few minutes? You mean hours?" I corrected him as I took the first bite of the bun.

The salty taste from the butter first hit my teeth and stuck there as I feared to lick them. The fear of the amount of fat in it spread out on my teeth daring to go down to my stomach. I kept my mouth shut as I tried chewing without letting it go down my throat. It was the thinnest layer, yet it felt like such a huge challenge.

"No, you're leaving in a few minutes, so he doesn't have to listen to you" Joost stated as if I already knew.

"Why? Did I forget to do something?" I felt panic rise as he spoke about it. I swore I knew my schedule in and out and always managed to never miss anything.

"I'm taking you out on a date as a part of your birthday gift. I didn't get to spend much alone time with you yesterday, so I thought we could spend the day together as my whole team has the Amsterdam show under control for tonight" Joost explained so smilingly.

"Joost.."I said in awe. And while doing so accidentally swallowed the butter on my teeth.

The salty fatty taste from the butter going down my throat made fear sprawl out. Fear of calories from the fatness in the butter setting itself on my hips, stomach thighs. Why did getting healthy again come with so much guilt for doing so?

I felt guilty for giving up on my eating disorder. Going against its orders to keep myself lean and skinny for others approval. Now that I was fighting against it, it only intensified with every bite. I didn't deserve to eat this food. I shouldn't be eating this kind of food.