Antwoord - Joost Klein

36.

Author's note: Never back down, never what?! A new chapter because I love you and I want to give as much as I can in these last two days

A hand brushed over my hair stirring my eyes to open up in one quick movement. I saw a roof. I looked to the left: I saw a nightstand with a water bottle. I looked to my right: I saw a man brushing his hand over my hair. I looked down: I saw myself laying in a bed.

"Thank fucking god, you're awake" I heard the man say but he said it while whispering.

"Why are you whispering?" I rubbed my eyes and slowly sat up.

The clearer my eyes got, I then realised that it was Joost who was sitting next to me. He had taken the sunglasses off and now revealed his red eyes that looked like he had cried.

"Are you alright?" I asked while reaching out for him.

"AM I ALRIGHT? You gotta be fucking kidding me. I thought you died; I thought I fucking lost you. Of course, I'm not alright" Joost raised his voice once he realised I wasn't sensitive to sounds anymore.

"Why?" I casually asked him.

"You collapsed in my arms as you wouldn't tell me what drugs you had taken. I genuinely thought I was going to lose another woman to a cardiac arrest. I can't do that again" His voice broke in half as tears started to spill.

I was so confused as I sat in that bed. I had a weak memory of what happened after I exited the bathroom back at the venue. I wanted to keep asking questions, but Joost seemed like he was doing worse than me.

I had a bit of a sensitive tingling sensation in my nostrils and a bit of a headache but other than that I felt fine. Maybe a bit of a wonky eyesight but not something that would trouble me.

I tried opening my arms for him, but he pushed himself off the bed and walked towards the door. "No, don't fucking touch me!" He pointed a finger at me.

"I'm so confused, Joost. Would you care to explain what the fuck is going on?" I asked him with my hands going up in frustration.

"You collapsed in my arms saying that my calm voice was screaming at you. We immediately called an ambulance that checked you out, but they said that you were completely fine even though you wouldn't wake up. All they said was that you had to sleep off the drugs but your unconscious body lying there unresponsive was too much for me" He stopped as his tears took overboard.

"What is too much for you?" I went on my knees to crawl on the bed, trying to get closer to where he was standing. He took further steps away from me.

"I found my mother dead on the couch after she had suffered from a cardiac arrest. Her unconscious body was equal to yours, but all they kept saying was that it was all going to be okay. It wasn't okay: I lost my mother. I couldn't fucking bear the thought of everything being okay if I lost you too" Joost was biting his lips to try hiding the sobs, but it was no use.

"I'm fine now. There is no need to worry about me. No need to start crying over me" I explained to him in the most logical way. I wasn't trying to disregard his feelings, but I didn't understand why he couldn't just open his eyes to see I was in fact okay.

He kept crying, it was like a waterfall. I wanted to hug him, but he wouldn't let me, so I sat there on the bed seeing him suffering wanting no help. I felt my heart hurt at the sight of him, yet still not able to relate to the tears that kept coming. How could he be so sensitive to someone being, okay?

This was something that differed between Joost and I. Whereas Joost wore his emotions on his sleeves and let them out by crying, I was keeping them deep inside and for a rare occasion, I would let them fall. Not for long though because I got on with my life since in my head there were more productive things to do than sitting and crying all day.