Saving Lotte Sullivan | Collingwood/Carlton

125: Lets Get Married

'Did you ever want kids?'

'Uhhhh...no. Not until I lost my firstborn. I wouldn't go out of my way to say I DIDN'T want kids, but I'd never really thought about it, to be honest. I had bigger problems. Meth addicted fathers and high school VCE exams' It was always my dream to eventually become a mother - but I just didn't know how to get there properly.

'No. God no. My whole thing was to never have kids. After seeing my father dead by suicide, it was a given I'd never want kids, especially with my own depression. Turns out I'd hit the jackpot at 22 and have three' I'm still not happy about it.

'YES! Nick and I had always talked about having kids. My family's bloodline would end with me, since I have no fucking idea who my father was - so I'd have a big family. We always wanted a big family! And after all that exhausting loss, I still want that big family. But I fear I'll never see it' I didn't want my first child to be his. Sam's. That's a regret. Now, one will always very clearly stand out from the others.

'I definitely wanted kids. That's a big thing in my family, my background - being very European. To have kids. It would be perfect - further expand the Daicos Dynasty at Collingwood for generations - and also, leaving a bigger legacy behind. Josh started early with his two kids - and that did scare me off a bit, their bloodshed of a divorce custody battle and then their daughter becoming so chronically sick. But an abortion on the first time around, losing one on the second go, and the third being someone else's....I don't think Ashlyn will be the one to expand the dynasty with. I think she'll honestly create another famous footy family dynasty elsewhere' As much as that hurts. As much as that kills. I don't even think our marriage will be enough to keep us together.

'Not really. As I've said before - I'm the ninth of ten kids - I know what that hell feels like. I have far too many family members, why add onto that? Kids, marriage - the whole thing seems too 1950s for me. My older brother is definitely going to be the sort to settle down and have another big family, I'll let him do that work - I think I'd rather just be an uncle. I can't even father my own son - I'm awful - why have more to damage?' I'd die a million times every day before she'd let me see him. Being a parent is traumatising - especially when you're not together with the other parent.

'My wife and I - we had always talked about having kids. Especially since she's from a very religious, Italian household. I wanted to wait until my AFL career was nearly done - and Bianca was happy to do that, but life got in the way and EDK was born. But I never would have allowed it to happen if I knew the life she'd grow up to live - absolutely horrific. I'm so sorry, baby girl' I really, am so sorry.

'Not really something that ever crossed my mind. I mean, it happened when my first wife and I were 17 - we had Ivy, and then tried for another about two years later and had Cassius. I don't need any more kids - I'm perfectly happy with my two, whoever they'll grow up to be. My little brother is constantly saying he'll have kids to continue the Collingwood Daicos line past us, but my biggest fear would be Cassius becoming an AFL player. The sickening injuries, the pain, the media, the attention. Especially at Collingwood, where things quickly get shoved under the table and forgotten about, but they blame you and hold it over your head for the rest of your career. Thank god I left' Ivy never grew up long enough to become an AFLW player. I'm not grateful for that. Cassius is still an ongoing battle - but at least he'd be a father son for a club that's NOT Collingwood.

'Yeah. I'm part South Asian - or Indian, and our culture love to have kids. My mother always wanted to be a grandmother - and I her only child. Her nephews Jack, Oliver and Tom - only Ollie has a daughter, so I was guilted into competing there, especially since we're pretty disconnected to the Henry side. My mother was adopted into the family, but never got along with her sister. Being the only child - the pressure is on me to give her at least three grandchildren - one I've already made, two is halfway, and I have no idea if she'll live long enough to see three - she's been pretty sick lately. But I just want to make my mommy proud - god knows my own father has never, ever liked me or seen accomplishments in my achievements since his other children all grew up to be successful with Melb Uni degrees and very highly decorated careers' I'll do what she asks at any cost, especially since she's medically dying and in decline. It won't be too long until she's moved into palliative care or hospice, and I suppose I'll have to find find the funds to pay for that - I've always had to pay for her, pay her bills, especially since Darcy stopped caring. I can't even look after my own daughter, Rhiannon, because my whole family hate me so much. Lewis has ghosted the fuck out of me, so I guess our wedding is off. When friends see me, they run. I'm returning to the old warehouse to work - just to try and make ends meet for my mom. Giacobbe and Ritter say they're really excited about having me back, since everyone else has left. At least someone will want to see me'