We All Fall Down

Chapter 45

An hour later, we pulled up at 'home' where Dad had been under hospice care. I walk in the house and already know she's there before I even see her. My mother had a presence like no one I've ever known. Everything looked exactly the same, but also completely different. Ben quietly took my bags and walked them back to my old room. Before I had a chance to take a breath, I heard her.

"Well don't you look smart!" The sound of her voice penetrated my skull and made me grit my teeth, kind of like when you hear nails scraping on a chalkboard. It's amazing how this woman had the ability to dismiss a situation that most would find uncomfortable or painful and pretend as if we have all gathered for a happy reunion. She threw her arms around me as I stiffened and tried to lean away from the embrace.

"Come on, haven't you missed me?" She stood back and folded her arms as if annoyed with me. I was clenching my jaw so tightly that my teeth began to ache. Behind her, Ben exited Dad's room and closed the door behind him.

"I've called and they're coming to take him to prep for the funeral. We've scheduled it for tomorrow evening, that way we can have the weekend to sort the house," Ben said flatly as if this was a business transaction. That's what Dad has been reduced to and it was pathetic.

"Well, good. I need to get back to Don anyway. I really just came to make sure you didn't need me for anything," Mom snorted whirling into the kitchen and poured herself a chardonnay. I whipped around and glared at her.

"What in the hell do you think we would ever need you for, other than to ruin something?" My mother stood perfectly still but wouldn't turn to face me. Ben sat on the couch and I felt him brace for action.

"Nobody has ever needed you here. You show up, fuck everything up and then leave. It's what you do and if you had made any good decisions in your life, you would show some remorse." I was writhing with anger as I looked around and landed on a photo of her and dad sitting on the mantle. I grabbed it and threw it as hard as I could at the refrigerator. My mother jumped and moved away from the broken glass.

"Don't you dare, John! Don't you dare!" She pointed her finger at me and began to move closer. Her lips parted as she was about to say something else, but Ben jumped up and clasped his hands around hers.

"Everyone is upset right now. Why don't we go get some dinner and let John have a moment to process this?" Ben turned her to exit. He gave me a questioned look that I didn't understand at first but he was likely angry at me for getting heated when it wasn't the time. As always, Ben maintained the level head.

After they left, I grabbed a beer from the refrigerator and chugged it. I needed something to help me face my father before they came to take him. I took the thirteen steps from the kitchen to his room. Thirteen steps I had taken so many times before. Thirteen steps that I would take for the last time. The door creaked as I opened it slowly. I knew I wouldn't be disturbing him but I need to prolong this encounter. Each step took several seconds until I finally reached him. He was unrecognizable. His skin was grey and when I placed my hand on his arm, it was cold and clammy. His pajamas draped over his body as his bones protruded through the blue pinstripes. Seeing my father like this gave me a sensation I had not allowed myself to feel in many years. He was gone and I never really said goodbye. I had wished the whole plane ride that he'd be unconscious because I wasn't sure I could face him otherwise. I wasn't at all prepared to land in a world where he no longer existed. I knew I couldn't bring him back, but I could still talk to him. I took a class about spirituality that went over the idea of an afterlife. My professor said some people claim to be visited by someone who had passed and that it can bring closure.

I spoke as if my father may be standing right beside me. I thought maybe he lingered in hopes that we would be able to connect in a way that we never could in life. I told him about how I was doing in school and how I managed to maintain a perfect GPA in order to keep my scholarship. I told him about how I had already been offered some internships. I talked about the different jobs I held so that I would have a good savings for when I graduated. I wanted him to know that his hard work and dedication to our family had paid off. I had done what he had failed to do. I thought maybe this would give him peace somehow. Maybe it was an arrogant thing to assume but Ben and I were going to be okay because of him, despite my mother. I hadn't noticed until now how I had taken this man for granted. I think sometimes we don't notice the good in our lives until it's gone. I really didn't know what 'good' was. I had been angry for so long because of the relationship we didn't have, but never focused on the idea that he gave me what he could. He was fresh out of support for us because he had to put all of his energy into Mom. I could never fully comprehend that until now. After I unloaded the last year of my life onto him, I kissed his forehead and hoisted myself up off the bed and left the room, closing the door gently behind me.

I went to grab another beer from the fridge and made my way to the patio. The pecan tree casting shade over the yard that was littered with pecans. It's a small comfort, but my chest tightens with all the memories I didn't want to be mine.

"Hey, John."

Something inside me lifted as I looked to my left and  saw Roach and Mickey walking over to me, hands in pockets. Once again, they had come through for me.

"Wow, Mick when did you get in?" I walk over and hug each of them. I knew Roach had paid for my father's care. I also knew he didn't want me to mention it, but I would have to find a way to thank him for filling in where I fell short.

"Just now. Roach picked me up from the airport," he smiled and kicked at the ground.

"So, how's it going up there?" I asked.

"Pretty great! Jen sends her best. She had to stay back. Finals week." Mickey shrugged. I hated how awkward it was with us now.

"Anything going on with you worth telling?" I turn to Roach.

"Not much, just playing the field. I'm thinking of selling the house and buying some land in Cali." I look at Mickey and mouth Mary Beth? He shrugs before Roach adds, "She's busting my balls to get engaged since this dickhead had to go and propose." he jabs a thumb at Mickey and my stomach churns.

"No shit! Hey, man congrats! I had no idea!"

"Yeah, well you would if you called once in a while," Roach scoffs and goes into my house and I see him turn toward the fridge and grabs a beer.

"Don't worry about him," Mickey gently punches at my shoulder.

"I should have been in touch more," I look back to my friend who showed up even though I've been a jerk.

"We don't blame you, John. You needed to get away. We get it," Mickey said as Roach returned with a beer for each of them. We each sat on the stone ledge on the patio and spent the next hour catching up. The tension dissipated and we fell back into the brotherly banter that had kept me sane for so many years. It made me so happy to see my friends were doing well and had full lives. The sun began to set and we turned at the sound of a car pulling back in the driveway.

"Mm...mom is back with Ben. He had to take her out because I kind of blew up on her," I snorted and took another pull of beer.

Roach flushed, "Your mom is here?"

I nodded.

"Well, I guess I better get you to your folks. I'm sure your mom has a 7-course meal prepared for you," Roach elbowed Mickey who laughed.

"See you tomorrow?" Mickey looked down at me.

"Yep," I sighed.

Back inside, Mom is putting on a record and Ben begins to pull out a casserole dish to heat up for dinner. The normalcy of it, the memories that come flooding back nauseate me. I feel sick and rush to the bathroom and vomit the cheap beer.