We All Fall Down

Chapter 55

John

I turned to face her, "Eve? You came!" I noticed Ben looked up sharply, his eyes narrowed on her back before he turned back to continue whatever conversation he was having. She stammered a bit, picked at her fingers and before she spoke. I noticed Becky ushering in her little boy through the doorway. She's a beautiful girl, I imagined she looked like Becky did at that age. Becky caught my eyes and gave a slight wave before making her way over to Ben and Wesley to pay her respects.

"Of course I did," Eve puffed out air, likely feeling awkward talking to me after all this time. "I guess I wanted to make sure to say bye? You kind of left and we didn't really see each other. It was pretty abrupt," she looked hurt, her eyebrows pinched together. Her gaze wandered past me to my father and frowned. "He looks good," her voice was light and hopeful. A fresh feeling of self-loathing came over me. I'd been raised with Eve like a sudo-sister, and she was right. I'd left her and Becky without a proper goodbye.

"I'm sorry to hear about your parents," I pictured Ted at some sticky bar, hitting on women far too young for him, thinking he still had the same chiseled looks he'd maintained in his youth. But surely by now, he was succumbing to age like most middle-aged men do. He and my mother had crossed a pretty solid boundary, but I wasn't as much disgusted by them for myself and Ben, we had never known healthy boundaries. But Eve? 

Eve sighed, her eyes brimmed with tears, "Yeah, it was a weird year. Luckily, I had Ben, and Rose and I have gotten pretty close. I'm so glad she recovered well after the accident. Oddly, it kind of bonded us."

If only she knew. And just as the thought came to me, I could feel Becky's impenetrable gaze on me. Eve didn't know the dirty details. If I knew Becky at all, she likely hadn't even told Eve what a piece of shit her dad really was, and it was probably eating her alive that Rose and Eve were friends. But she couldn't tell her not to befriend the girl, she had no reason. Rose was amazing.

I moved to hug Eve but this past year had changed so much, and I didn't feel as connected to her as I once did. We smiled at once another and she blushed a bit before going to sit beside her mother and baby brother. More people trickled in. The man that ran the grocery store for as long as I've been alive, neighbors that I vaguely recognized but had never spoken to, people in suits whom I assume were old coworkers of my dad. I had no expectations for how this day would go, but seeing the room slowly begin to fill up made me more emotional than I'd anticipated. Becky is situating her son, and I begin to walk over to introduce myself to him because a toddler is the least intimidating person in the room when Mickey walks in. I feel an instant flood of relief and pivot to shake his hand.

"Thank you for coming. I didn't realize so many people would show up."

Mickey shoves my hand away and wraps his long, gangly arms around me. Jen stands next him, sympathies twisting her expression as she rubs my arm and offers her apologies for our family's loss. Everyone has to say that, it's the traditional thing you do when a loved one dies. You bring flowers, casseroles and express sympathies for your "family's loss". But there were so many other things I could list that destroyed our family and they came long before my dad's cancer. 

"Where's Josh?" Mickey asked. I try not to appear confused as to why he used his name and not Roach. Also, I mentally note that although so much has happened, it was all in the span of less than twelve hours. Mickey wouldn't know the truth about Rose and he definitely wouldn't have heard about what happened at the pier and how I forbid Roach from showing his face today. I don't even consider telling Mickey and Jen the truth. In a few hours, I will close this chapter for good and be back in New York. If anything, it's helping me to realize that I might benefit from seeing a therapist to work through it all. Being alone seemed like the right thing, but I don't want to be alone when I die. I don't want my only legacy to be a box of pictures of my past and have nothing in the present to carry me.

I shrugged and turned toward Becky who is greeting the pastor that will be speaking to the room before we move to the graveyard. Eve pats the empty seat beside her, and there's something inside me that is relieved to have someone not think I'm the asshole. I don't know if we both accepted the shift in the dynamic at the same time, or maybe it was a bizarre comfort in such a strange time, death can bring people together or tear them apart. But, I wouldn't be surprised if we never spoke or saw each other again.

Ben and Wesley held hands against the judgmental stares from some of the people in the room. Jen and Mickey appeared so connected and in love as they leaned into one another, their fingers woven together. Becky is slightly bouncing her son in her lap and Eve rubs his tiny hand with her thumb. Nobody in the room is crying, other than Ben. Even Becky keeps her usual stoic expression, likely to unravel in privacy. She's old school in that way. 

The pastor begins to speak, touching on the finer moments of my dad's existence, which were few. We were all left with just as little as we always had, and I don't know why that surprised me. I felt a little disappointed that there was nothing new to learn, that he hadn't done anything noteworthy aside from pacifying my mother and settling into a lackluster career that gave him no drive or purpose. Maybe I'm being too hard on him, cruel even, but I struggle to believe he was happy with his life. 

Half an hour later, everyone exited the Blue Room in hushed whispers and made the walk to the grave that was marked with a single tombstone with my father's name on it. I glanced at Ben over the casket and saw that he had pulled shades over his eyes. I wanted to ask why it was a single grave, but I didn't need to. Even in death my mother didn't plan to share space with him. Did she ever even love him? 

More words were spoken about life and death and what comes next, and while the pastor drolled on, I felt a prickling sensation at the back of my neck. Something warned me not to turn, not to take my eyes off of the casket, that this is the last I will see of my father and it's important to focus on that. But it's like an itch I needed to scratch, so I pulled my eyes away just for a moment and there she was. 

There they were standing off a short distance away.

And I saw red.