We All Fall Down

Chapter 53

John

I could hardly sleep that night despite how exhausted I was. My bones ached with want of a good night's rest, but my mind raced with all of the things that happened in order for us to be here. I thought about Becky and what a dedicated wife and mother she'd always been, how she was there for Ben and I when she didn't need to be and had so little to show for it. Her husband had betrayed her, just as my mother had betrayed my father. I thought back to that time as a child when I'd watched my mother in her bedroom, crying into my father's stiff shoulders as he walked away from her and realized that it wasn't my father after all. It had been Ted all along. Ted and my mother had created Rose, and my father...my father who bent over backwards to keep our family together, had tossed her aside. I could not wrap my head around it. I could not picture my father being so cold and casting away a child like that. I guess everyone has a limit.

I thought about Ben and wondered how he would fare in California. I felt shameful for not being a better brother to him, for being selfish and leaving without making sure he was okay. Looking back, I acted as my mother always had. I left when I was overwhelmed.

I thought about Roach and how it didn't feel as good as I hoped when I punched him. He didn't follow me home and the phone did not ring. I pictured him with my mom in some seedy hotel and clenched my teeth at the idea that he was consoling her. She did not deserve it, I didn't care what she said about what happened back then, she still had an affair. She still did things that I have no recollection of, but the scars remain. Can you understand what it's like to feel panic about things and have no idea why? 

The attacks started as soon as I'd left and I could not find rhyme or reason for them. I walked into a grocery store to get things for my dorm, and a cashier called a manager on the intercom which caused my heart to race, my head thrummed between my ears. It was an immense pressure that almost brought me to my knees if there hadn't been a bench right beside me. I hated taking baths, only showers, ever. I hate hearing Elvis Presley and when he died, it's all they played on the radio. I stopped listening to the radio. 

I thought of Rose and was sickened by what almost happened between us. How much worse things would have been if we had done what we clearly were both wanting to do. What would she do now and how would this news effect her?

I checked my watch in the sliver of moonlight as Ben snored beside me, both of us unwilling to sleep in our mother's room. It had always been a forbidden place to us. 

4:03 am

"You gonna go see Rose again, aren't you," Ben's voice cracked through the shadows.

"I thought you were sleeping," I whisper, but there's no need.

"You won't stop moving and creaking the damn springs."

"I punched Roach." I feel bad about it. The more I think about it, the more it weighs on me. "I should go apologize."

Ben barks out a laugh, "Roach is an asshole. When are you going to wake up and realize that?"

"Roach is an idiot, not an asshole," I correct.

"No, John. He's been screwing mom for years behind your back. He paid for dad's care because he felt guilty, not because he cares about you."

I swallow and take a deep breath. I don't know if I can forgive Roach for being with my mom behind my back. I've been lied to so much in my life and trusted him and Mickey so intensely, I never imagined he would be one of the ones to have betrayed me. But, I should at least hear him out. I know how my mother can be when she sets her fangs into someone.

"So, are you going to go talk to Rose?"

"There's nothing left to say. Besides, we have to go finalize everything at the funeral home before the services today."

"Nobody's gonna come, man. It'll just be us. Not one person visited since you left, only Becky. They let da-" his voice broke and he cleared his throat before continuing, "They let him rot here like he was trash. He deserved better."

"We'll be there." 

Ben scoffed at my reply and turned over. "Yep, and you can run back to New York before they shovel the last bit of dirt on him."

"That's not fair. You're moving away," I lift myself onto my shoulder, but he doesn't face me.

"Dad's dead, John. I was here, watching him die while you ran off and lived it up. You know what's not fair? Changing your dad's sheets because he shit himself four nights in a row. Or staying up all night making sure he doesn't choke and die on his own vomit. Or fending mom off when she randomly decided to show up with whatever guy was dumb enough to get trapped in her web and wanted money. I'm barely 16, John. You didn't think I needed you? I wasn't about to have Becky come deal with this, she'd done enough and has her own kids. We needed you!"

I sat up and swung my legs over the edge of the bed, "I'm sorry, Ben." 

"Yeah, well, it's not just me you needed to apologize to, but too late now. You're too late."

I lay awake until the sun peeked through the screen of our window. It was almost 7:00 am at that point, in a few hours I would be gone again and this time, for good. The panic threatened to rise again, my fists clenched my ratty bedsheets and I inhaled, counting to 10 and exhaled. Ben was right. I was a terrible son, a terrible brother, and he'd be better off when I was gone.

I just wish I'd said more to make things right with my brother that day.