We All Fall Down

Chapter 56

John

Once again, that familiar pounding in my ears. The noise of the guests ran together like the teacher's voice on Charlie Brown. I couldn't make out the kind words nor well wishes for when Ben and I leave. My face grew hot with the embarrassment I'd felt that I couldn't control my reaction to seeing not only my mother, but the audacity of the two of them together. How long had it been going on that he would feel so bold? Did he think it would be okay now since my dad was dead and Ben and I were going away? Is that why he'd been so generous? I swallowed against the bile in my throat, the nausea in my gut that threatened to purge the breakfast I'd eaten. I smiled through the internal rage, patting arms and shaking hands, hugging Mickey and Jen while my eyes burned so hot I thought they might melt inside my skull.

Thunder roiled above us despite the clear skies. I looked to my left and saw the dark clouds pushing toward us, how fitting. "Ignore them," Eve's voice broke through the growling in my head. I didn't know how she knew what seeing them was making me feel, but I assume it was written all over my face. Or maybe, the town knew more than I thought and my mother's return was obviously going to make me uncomfortable. Ben looked  totally unbothered as he stood with Wesley, chatting it up with the man from the grocery store. I blinked and attempted to calm myself, but I was so angry. No, I was enraged. I was fuming and betrayed. I wanted to strangle Roach. I wanted my mother to leave like she always did when we wanted her instead of staying when we didn't.

Becky clasped a firm but gentle hand on my elbow, "Do you want us to drive you home?" 

"I can take him. I think Ben will be here a while, and it's on my way to work," Eve offered. Becky gave her a once over then looked to me to be sure that I was okay and understanding that I definitely wasn't, but her son was beginning to cry and squirm. 

"Eve can drive me to the airport," I affirmed. My flight was not for another several hours, but I would rather sit in the crowded noise of the terminal than here for another second.

Becky nodded and gave me once last long squeeze. I wish I had savored it, remembered the smell of her and the way her aging body clung to me like a true mother's does. I don't even know what my own mother's embrace felt like, it had been so long since she'd held me in any capacity. I could feel them still hovering around like a disease, like hyenas waiting to pounce. If Roach thought for once second that he would use this day to force me into forgiving him, he could think again.

"Let's go," Eve said, tugging on my arm. "Say bye to Ben."

My skin tingled and felt clammy under my suit jacket. I was suffocating, but I didn't want my mother to see she'd rattled me. That would be her goal. It fed that demon inside her to know she made people uncomfortable. I don't remember actually walking to meet my brother. I don't remember a lot from the rest of that morning. It came in flashes over the years, little pieces I'd stashed away until I could complete the picture and truly understand what happened.

I remember hugging him even though I could tell he was still upset with me, or annoyed, or abandoned, whatever it was that we weren't going to talk about. The crowd thinned and the rain began to fall. Rose guided me to her car. We didn't speak, but we were walking fast. I remember the sound of her shoes on the grass, then when they hit the pavement.

Clack. Clack. Clack.

She kept trying to calm me, but the more she spoke, the more my insides boiled and bubbled. I just wanted to get in the car and go. I wanted to leave. I wanted to be back in New York where it was changing seasons and where you could buy big, fat pretzels on the sidewalks. I felt like I was going crazy with the panic. I'd tried different things over the last year to keep them at bay, but being thrust back into what caused them to begin with was completely overwhelming.