We All Fall Down

Chapter 46

John

Present

I wake with a start. My heart is in my throat, and cold sweat saturates my clothing through to my crisp white sheets. I haven't had the dream in a while, months really. But lately, I have been feeling more and more unsettled. With things being so tense between Victoria and I, my anxiety is becoming harder and harder to keep at bay.

We are supposed to be hosting dinner for Victoria's parents this evening, so I try my best to not overthink our relationship. I notice she's already gotten up and is in the kitchen scrubbing the countertop when I walk in, groggy and aching from a restless sleep. She looks up and gives me a wan smile like, she too, had not slept well.

"What are you thinking for the menu tonight?" I ask as I reach for the coffee she'd placed on the island for me.

She sniffs and wipes the sheen of sweat on her forehead with the back of her hand, "We usually do roasted chicken with garlic mashed potatoes and green beans. Sound good?" she smiles.

"Sounds great!" I say, even though I don't really love mashed potatoes. But I am treading lightly, hoping not to create any issues before people arrive.

The phone rings and Victoria's eyes move from the blinking read light of the receiver, to me. "You want to grab that?"

My shoulders stiffen and my head aches at the thought it might be my mother.

"John, you look pale. Are you not feeling well?"

I reassure her with a smile and pick up the phone, "Hello?"

The tightness in my chest dissolves, "Telemarketer," I roll my eyes and take my coffee to the breakfast table. Victoria clucks her tongue and continues cleaning.

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When her parents arrive, Vic and her mom move into the kitchen and immediately open a bottle of wine and dive in to whatever new gossip there is going around and finish preparing the meal. Marshall and I retreat to my home office. He sits across from me and toys with his glass, the ice clinking against the crystal as he dips it.

Since our last conversation, I committed to a few sessions with a couple's counselor per Victoria's request. I have always had an aversion to therapy, but was willing to give it a shot when I saw how much it meant to her. After we had one of our usual arguments involving me not being ready for marriage, I had a sinking feeling that she might pull the plug on us. Instead of helping us, all the session did was flood me with emotions that I didn't want to deal with, and then the whole next day, I felt like a zombie. It was draining, and I can't see that as good for my career. I can't run a successful company if I am on the verge of depression every day. I do have to figure something out though, because I know her patience is running thin.

My dream about Rose last night has really thrown me, however. Before I woke, I remember seeing her sitting on the edge of the grass, overlooking the bay. I was standing a generous distance behind her, watching her beautiful hair blowing in the wind. There was a little girl frolicking around behind her, singing a tune I didn't recognize. Neither of them seemed to notice I was there, but there was such a peaceful feeling surrounding the whole scene. I could almost smell the dew on the grass and feel the breeze that whipped her hair. Suddenly, I felt a sick and heavy sensation in the pit of my stomach. I had an urge to retch and I must have startled them. The little girl stopped singing and ran out of sight and Rose turned to focus on who had interrupted this serene moment for her, but once she saw me, she smiled.

Her smile was just as bright from far away as it was if you were standing right in front of her. The longer she smiled, though, the sicker I felt and it made me angry. I wanted to enjoy this special moment with Rose. Then, before I knew it, her face changed. I stepped closer clutching my stomach and squinting my eyes...my mother? The little girl raced over and fell into her lap as she stared at me with such intensity that I forgot I was feeling sick. I watched my mother slide the little girl off of her lap to play with some wildflowers at her feet. She began to lift an arm as if she wanted me to help her to stand. My sickness quickly turned to rage and I couldn't control myself. My body flung forward to grab her arm, and I began to yank her violently around. I was sobbing so loudly and thrashing her so violently that when I woke, I thought I might actually vomit with the fury I was feeling.

"So, what are you working on lately?" Marshall asked as he wound his watch, bringing me back to present.

"Oh, you know, we have that new toothpaste ad coming up as well as the new cable company we won over. It's a pretty big deal, so things have just been pretty tense lately," I exhale.

"Maybe you should take some time off? Give yourself a chance to relax?" he suggests. Marshall is always a huge supporter in taking time off. He must have forgotten the struggles of the young professional trying to keep his business afloat in an extremely competitive market.

"I'd love to take a vacation, but there's work to be done and I want to have a good nest egg for us," I smile at the thought of my future with Victoria.

"That's an honorable position to hold, however at this rate, you will eventually wear yourself out," he warned. I reach for the glass of water on the edge of my desk and chug it. I have been parched all day, still unnerved by my dream.

"You're right. I need to find a way to relax," I agree as I lean back in my chair.

"Victoria says you've been having some pretty frequent, vivid dreams?" Marshall raises an eyebrow. I feel so embarrassed. Why would she tell her dad about that?

"Only when I've got a lot going on. It's really nothing though. One too many old-fashioneds before bed, I'm sure," I smile a little too long and hope he doesn't see right through me.

"She said you were yelling out a woman's name," I can feel his eyes piercing into my skull. I don't even know how to explain myself. My heart starts to pound harder, and the sick feeling returns. I excuse myself to the restroom and am relieved to find Marshall has moved to the kitchen when I return. I need a drink. I need to have a serious discussion with Victoria later about oversharing. I appreciate and admire her closeness with her parents, but there were some things she didn't need to tell them, especially when it's about me.