Under Your Scars || Sebastian Sallow x MC

Chapter 42 - Sebastian's Lament

I'm torn to pieces, I'm broken down

I still see your face when you're not around

I sit here in misery wondering if I'll ever be 

Half the man you wanted me to be

Torn to Pieces

-Pop Evil

____________

Sebastian POV

A dozen quills feverishly scratched on parchment as my sixth-years took their final examinations on Dark Beasts and Beings on Wednesday morning. I proctored from my desk, taking my own notes on Ancient Curses and Runes. I peered at the class over my glasses once in a while, pretending to give a fuck whether they were cheating. 

For two days, or what felt like two years, Juliette was nowhere to be found. Not in class, not in my office, not in the great hall. I even happened upon Crossed Wands by 'accident' a handful of times, but it seemed she had also given up dueling my students in secret. 

My stomach churned, remembering the state she was in the last time she disappeared into the Room for that long. She hadn't slept for days as she waited for Rose to wake up. All I could do was hope beyond hope that my last remaining stash of Dreamless Sleep was helping her find rest.

I had gotten barely a moment of sleep since the Pensieve. It was not for lack of fatigue. Rather, it was the paralyzing fear of what awaited me in my dreams if I were to close my eyes for even a second. For that reason, and reasons of a distilled nature, I avoided my bed chamber entirely and took up residence in my office. I filled my nights with Ancient Magic research and my mornings with enough Wideye Potions to kill a Graphorn.

Even the potions had lost their edge after two days. When my eyelids weren't twitching, they were drooping and fluttering shut. I cursed a certain redhead for taking so long with my new stash of sleeping potions, though I knew deep down it was not his fault. I could have kept them for myself, but Juliette needed them more. 

Her memory was evidence of that. 

I scanned the room again, dismayed to find the seat next to Miss Parkinson still conspicuously empty.

The top student (second-only to Miss Corben, of course) appeared to be doubting herself for the first time in six years. Her quill hardly moved, and she spent an alarming amount of time staring at her left hand, as if it would fall off her body if she looked away for too long.

I assumed, rather hoped, that Rosalie was with Juliette, wherever she was. All I received to indicate my student's whereabouts was a note from the Headmistress excusing her from class today. They were probably galivanting about, doing Keeper things. Very important, I was sure, but still... Rosalie Corben never missed an exam. From what I knew of Rosalie and how she valued her magical education, she would sooner die.

Perhaps I should check the Room of Requirement after class.

No... That would be excessive.

I could at least check the common room, as was well-within my rights the head of Slytherin house. She was still my responsibility, as Juliette had so adorably reminded me during our first ever 'argument' as a couple.

Juliette Fontaine really was the cutest when she was being stubborn...

How could I have fucked this up so badly?

I shook my head before dipping my quill in the inkwell once more. I continued scribbling notes on Ancient Magic, each curvy line of nonsense blending into another as my vision blurred.

I imagined myself marching up to the Room of Requirement once classes dismissed. I could keep things civil and professional, all my concern focused on Rosalie and her two remaining trials. Strictly business.

I didn't think it was foolish to assume that Juliette would continue to keep me informed regarding Rose's training and trials. Especially if Rose was to be left to me after the New Year, when Juliette leaves me in-body as well as in-spirit.

Or would I be pushed out of this too, since Juliette ended things?

She certainly could have found another, more experienced professor to take my place like Sharp or Ronen, or-

My quill snapped between my fingers, ink splatting on the parchment in all directions. 

Fucking fantastic.

It was settled, then.

I wouldn't seek out Juliette. She had her own important Keeper things to do with her protégé. Rosalie who, let's face it, had already grown too powerful for anything I could teach her. 

I simply had nothing more to offer Juliette. The only solution I had found for her magical outbursts was too experimental, too risky, and honestly too depressing to bring to her attention. Not that I had stopped my search for some other solution, something that would not traumatize her further. She deserved to be free from her pain. She deserved to dream.

There were surely more books in the Restricted Section that I had not explored...

Not that she would never want to hear it from me, let alone trust me enough to go through with anything I offered. 

She couldn't trust me.  I had surrendered my mind to her completely. Still, those words had escaped her lips with enough venom to stop my heart completely. 

I was no longer her Sébastien, or even her Seb. I was Professor Sallow once again--nothing more, nothing less.

It was time to get used to it.

____________

Just a wee little chapter, this time.

An alternative title for this chapter was "The Professor's Pity Party," but I did want to respectfully acknowledge and validate that Sebby is very sad, sleep-deprived and working with some bad intel at the moment.