LILAC (Fred Weasley)

Chapter 43

„Dear Diary,

I am sick. So sick that not even Pomfrey can help me. The whole day I was complaining about sickness and that I couldn't stomach anything. I wasn't even hungry or had any appetite. It seemed to me that every occasion it got, my stomach decided to turn inside of me and do some very nasty loops. At dinner I couldn't bear this feeling any longer. I excused myself from the table, Gemma offered to come along with me, but I refused. She hasn't eaten all day as well, because she was living inside the library walls again. Still no idea we she gets that motivation from.

Now I am sitting in the Hospital Wing only to be earlier told by Pomfrey that my problems aren't physical more mental and that she doesn't have anything against that here. She asked me if I am under a lot of stress recently or if I worry about something. My eyes instantly landed on Colin and Justin who lie behind the closed curtains paralyzed. She understood immediately. As stern as she can be, she really knows how to calm students. She gave me some potions to calm my nerves and wanted me to sit a while after she talked with me for a while. She could have easily dismissed me, though she didn't and I am grateful for that.

I am alone in here. It's strange. My mind is so full with everything that happened lately and the bad feeling I have inside my tummy is like a constant reminder that anything can happen every time. Maybe I am being too dramatic, but I don't get how Dumbledore hasn't done anything yet. No precautions, no rules, no further steps into finding that thing who tries to kill us. I am sure it is trying to kill us. Otherwise there wouldn't be a warning on the wall written in blood.

Mierde, how much I hate it. This feeling. I try so hard to focus on the good things happening lately. Fred and me finally get along really well, Louis and Gina are such a lovely couple, Sean currently decided that he wants to try and become a prefect next year and already talked with Sprout about his chances and Gemma, well she is sweet little Gemma. Her only goal for now are great notes. There is nothing more to tell. Last week I made another great prank and I find it very amusing when Fred and George discuss next to me, who it might be. Occasionally Louis pipes in and gives them all his ideas and suspicions about the secret pranker. I could swear last time they discussed it, Sean was looking at me. Does he know something? Did Gemma tell him?

I wouldn't actually be mad at her if she did. It's hard to keep secrets from your twin brother, especially since they have such a good bond and seem to share many secrets no one of us knows about yet, though she promised to keep it a secret. I would feel a bit betrayed if she did tell him. Because it wouldn't take long for Louis to know and then I am screwed and my perfectly executed plans would be for nothing and I can't risk that.

Especially since no professor would ever think of me. I am reliable and a good student. McGonagall just recently gave me a task to fetch something out of her office. She has some very delicious biscuits on her desk may I add. No teacher would ever give such a task to Fred nor George. Only to someone they think of as reliable.

Even though these things lighten up my mood, these dark thoughts and feelings linger over my body like a constant guest. A guest I haven't invited. I try so hard to push it down, just lately it gets tougher. Today Fred held me back and forced me to talk with him. I denied that something is wrong. It's not that I don't trust him, I just don't want to burden him. I know he worries too. I know all of them worry. I don't want to put the big reminder upon them, that I am maybe at risk of getting caught the next time this psycho attacks again. Also, I just couldn't talk about that with him.

Sometimes your mind is so full, you don't know where to start and it drains you to start talking about it. Book, thank you for being here. Silly I know, but you help me to start at one point and to untangle all of it. And step by step this mind mess will be clearer and easier and then I am able to talk about it with someone.

I am getting tired. Maybe the potion is finally kicking in. Let's hope this Muggleborn killer Situation will get soon under control. I don't want to die.

Yours, Jade."