Close to you

When Sleep Won't Come

It was late. Very late. The only light in the hotel room was the small green dot on the baby monitor. Theo slept soundly in his travel cot nearby. Beth could barely hear his soft little breaths. Viv was much closer, her head heavy and warm on Beth's chest, an arm draped loosely around her middle. Beth felt Viv's gentle breathing just under her chin. It felt nice, comfortable. But Beth couldn't turn her mind off.

Sarina's words kept playing in her head. Assistant coach. You came to mind.

Her. Beth. Sarina Wiegman wanted her as an assistant. For Arsenal, for the Dutch national team.

It was a lot. A huge compliment. It made Beth feel like Sarina saw her not just as a mum or Viv's partner, but saw her football brain.

That part felt good. Exciting. She loved watching games, figuring out tactics, seeing patterns. The idea of actually doing that, being part of the planning, sparked something in her. A part that had been quiet lately while she focused on Theo and making sure Viv had everything she needed.

But then, Theo. Beth felt a familiar tightness in her chest. Sarina said they could make it work, be flexible, use computers. Beth believed her. But coaching wasn't just calls and emails. It meant being there for training, travel, big games. Even if it was less than normal, it was still less time here. Less time with Theo. Would he be okay? Would she be okay missing little moments? That worry was always there.

And Viv. Asleep beside her. Beth imagined telling her in the morning. Viv would be pleased. A real smile would light up her face. She'd probably squeeze Beth's hand and say it was brilliant news, that Sarina was smart, and Beth deserved the chance. Viv probably wouldn't jump up and down that wasn't her style with big news.

Instead, Beth could almost hear Viv's practical mind start working after saying congratulations. 'Okay,' Viv might say, tilting her head slightly, 'So, Arsenal means London more often How do we plan that with Whitby? With Theo? What about childcare during camps?' Beth pictured Viv turning the problem over, ready to help figure it out.

Then Viv would likely give Beth that steady, calming look and say something like, 'It's a lot to sort out, Beth, but we will sort it out. We can make this work. It's a great opportunity.' Knowing Viv would tackle the 'how' with her, as a team, felt calming. The worries didn't vanish, but they felt shared, less scary. It was still a huge change, but one they'd face together.

Plus, there was the issue of qualifications. We can work through that, Sarina had said easily. But Beth knew getting coaching badges was hard work and took time. Could she really start this big job and learn as she went, trying to catch up? It felt like jumping into the deep end.

Thinking about juggling it all Viv's games, her own potential new job, Theo, childcare, travel made Beth's head spin.

Beth lay still, trying to calm her thoughts, focusing on Viv's warm weight against her. She tried to breathe slowly, hoping sleep would come. Maybe she tensed up, or maybe her breathing changed slightly, because Viv stirred.

A soft, sleepy mumble came from against Beth's shoulder. Viv shifted, lifting her head just enough to blink in the dim light from under the door. Her eyes found Beth's.

"Hmm?" Viv's voice was sleepy, low. "You're still awake." It wasn't a question. She moved a little closer. "Everything okay?"

Beth leaned down and kissed the top of Viv's head, where her hair was soft and messy from sleep. "Mm, just thinking, liefje," she whispered into her hair, adding a soft hum, hoping the kiss, the pet name, and the vague sound would be enough. It's nothing, really.

But Viv knew her too well. She paused, the silence telling. Then she pushed herself up on an elbow, her eyes adjusting to the dim room, searching Beth's face. The sleepiness faded, replaced by that familiar, focused look. I know something's up.