will you still love me???- a Louis Tomlinson fan fiction.

Chapter thirty seven...

Sarahs point of view...

I don't know how long I had been holed up in the house. I didn't want to leave.

It could have been days, weeks for all I knew.

A new feeling had taken hold.... Guilt.

I had never felt this low. It seemed like all my demons were coming back to haunt me. Julian, the baby, my father. I wanted it all to go away.

I had turned to drinking to block out the memories. I found out that you can get drink delivered to your door in London.

This wasn't me but then again, I didn't know who I was anymore. I wallowed in self pity.

I hadn't turned my phone back on. I was too scared. Scared of what I would hear and scared of what I would say.

I was currently sat on the sofa, dressed in the pyjamas I had worn for the last two days. Another glass of wine in my hand.

I did what I shouldn't have done. I turned on my phone.

The voicemail kicked in. Louis...

... I just want to let you know that I love you and I swear I won't be an arse anymore (I could tell that he was drunk). I am yours and yours alone. Come back to me....

I couldn't face it anymore and cancelled the call.

I had never wanted to end my life. I had too much to live for but the draw to the bathroom was too great.

I found what I was looking for and before long, I was sat on the bathroom floor with a razor blade in my hand.

Release. That's what I needed to do. Just this once. It wouldn't hurt.

I took the blade and slowly drew it across my skin. I had only done this once before. After I lost the baby. It felt good. It was like the blood was my hurt flowing from my body.

My phone went. I snapped out of things and without thinking, I took the call. It was Zayn.

"Hey stranger. Havn't heard from you in days and I wanted to know that you were ok. Perrie told me to tell you that she misses you too".

I went to answer and managed to say "I'm ok", though the tears.

"Your not ok", Zayn spoke. " Louis is the same way. He hasn't slept or eaten. We keep having to put food in front of him and then he only picks at it. What are you doing?", he asked.

"Well, I'm sure as hell not laughing", I tried to joke.

"Have you been drinking?", Zayn asked.

"Yep", I answered emphasising the p.

"Stop it now", Zayn shouted.

"I'm lying here in the bathroom with a razor blade and it's all feeing better now".

"WHAT!!!", Zayn shouted. "Stop now".

"I don't want to stop", I confessed, the alcohol having taken over my thought processes. "I'm going to make the pain go away" and with that I hung up the phone.

It started to ring again but I threw it across the room, seeing it smash against the wall.

I took the blade and dug deeper. Too deep. Blood!. Dizziness!. Blackness! Release!!!.

Lights!. Strip lights!

Where the hell am I?.

I tried to get out of bed but a hand was trying to keep me In this bed.

"Leave me alone", I shouted. "Get your hands off of me".