Louis, You Are Not the Father.

Insider: Relationships

Here is our exclusive inside scoop on $apphire and Co's relationships and love!

It is no secret that our beloved band is always head over heels for a new skank every night, but what you don't know is how serious they are.

Harry, otherwise referred to as Horton or $apphire, is the main bicycle in the band. Everyone rides him, but he's easily replaced. Harry's first love came to him when he was the mere age of 16. He met his lover Louis Tomlinson, and they fell deeply in love. Then Harry and Louis drifted apart. Harry began having an affair with father-to-be Niall Horan, while Louis had an affair with someone he will only reveal as "Napoleon".

"Me and Louis just, we broke. He wanted kush, I wanted kids. He was just always so demanding. So I moved on to Niall, but Niall didn't want me so I had to turn to multiple men to satisfy me. I have a sugar daddy in every city. Me and Obama are happy together, but he wants me to drop everything for him and I'm not ready. Right now I drop my ass for him, but anything more than that is just too much commitment."

We asked Harry is he was aware of the rumors swirling around his image, and that's when he broke down.

"Everyone hates me. They really do. People call me the wind, they say I blow everyone." Harry blinked back tears. "And I haven't. There's 7 billion people in this world, I've barely done half. That's not everyone. They're ridiculous." He sniffled.

"All these hoes are changing so much. Lima, I guess he's always been this way. He's just been hiding from us. Louis, I mean, I need to put him back in the ballpit. Niall is happy where he stands. He's getting used to being a stripper, after he found his true identity as Ruby. Zayn is out there discovering the wonders of autotune, and I'm just waiting for my time to come."

Styles is currently dealing with 14 people; Obama, Bruno Mars, Morgan Freeman, Tyler Oakley, Michael Clifford, Liam Payne, Niall Horan, Zayn Malik, Ryan Minaj, Trash Grier, Ed Sheeran, Nicholas Grimshaw, Betty Crocker, and Xander.

Louis is the heartbreaker of the group. He's so straight, he's slept with every woman on the planet. Every single one. He loves vagina. He's straight. Though what you don't know is that he too had a gay past time.

We asked him about it, and he only turned his cheek. "It was a dark day."

We couldn't get much more out of Louis, considering he's borderline homophobic. He denies anything having to do with him merely supporting the LGBT community, what a man!

Lima is currently in an institution juggling four lovers. Harry Styles, Niall Horan, Sophia Smith, and Zayn Malik. He has little contact with them at the moment considering his position. We tried to enter his ward, but he roared at us.

"GET OUT OF ME SWAMP!"

Niall is not being faithful to his three boyfriends Lima, Zayn, and Harry. He's working the late shift at the Funky Buddha, which is where he met his flame Gordon Ramsay.

Niall is currently seeing Gordon on the regular, but none of his lovers are aware of it.

"Gordon is great, he's just very picky. He screamed at me and told me I was like a dead fish in bed. I cried, and he asked me if I really cared about my restaurant. I said I didn't have a restaurant and he just kept telling me it was okay. He was like, it's okay Neil. Don't you cry Neilll."

Obama is staying completely faithful to his fiance Harry Styles.

Briana has no man. None for you Briana bye

Next article: Careers