Dear Seed,

Seed 21 (Just one more day)

"I'll be there by your side, baby, anywhere.. if that happens."

----

Dumating sa sandali na kailangan naming maghiwalay ni Seed. Yung tipong maghiwalay na okay naman kayong dalawa, maghiwalay na literal na parang noon na hinahanap ko siya, na gusto kong malaman ang pangalan niya. Kinailangan niyang pumunta ng New York para sa trabaho na hindi ko na tinanong, it's a company business that he doesn't want to talk about. Minsan, parang nakukulangan ako na wala man lang akong kaalam alam sa kanya. Alam mo yung feeling na magkadikit ang balat niyo pero para kayong nasa magkaibang lugar, na parang ang lapit lapit nga, pero ang layo pa rin.

Gusto kong pigilan ang sarili ko na unang magsabi sa kanya nang namimiss ko na siya o kahit nang pabirong "Lav yu" lang, yung malaman lang niya na dumadaan siya sa isip ko sa araw na yun, kahit ang totoo ay lagi ko siyang naiisip.

Nagulat ako na habang nagsusulat ng blog ko nang araw na yun ay biglang nagbeep ang cellphone ko.

"Why are you sad?" Text ni Seed.

"What do you mean? Hindi naman ako sad, busy lang."

"are you sure?" naiimagine ko tuloy ang mga ngiti niya na paulit ulit na bumibihag sa akin.

"Yes."

"You are sad, baby. Why?" Pangungulit niya.

Hindi na ako sumagot.

"saying you miss me first won't make you miss me more than I do.." pahabol niyang text

Hindi pa rin ako sumasagot para ipakita ang pagtatampo ko.

"Hey.."

Pakipot pa rin.

"Can you do me a favor?"

"WHAT?"

"Can you smile for me?"

"bakit pa ako ngingiti kung hindi mo naman makikita?"

"how sure are you na i won't be able to see it?"

Bigla akong napatingin sa paligid dahil baka may mga cams or baka nakauwi na siya at ginugoodtime nya lang ako.

"Seed, can you stop? are you here na already? baby.. I miss you." Bigla akong napabulalas ng mga gusto kong sabihin.

"That's my girl."

"I just miss you, it's making me sad."

"..."

"What are you wearing now?"

Nagulat ako sa tanong niya.

"White shirt and shorts? Why?"

"Nothing, I'm just always curious how you look like whenever I'm not around."

Matapos ay bigla siyang tumawag at muling nasiglahan ang puso ko nung marinig ko ang boses niya. Parang may kung anong butas sa puso ko na biglang natakpan. Kahit ang mga hinga niya sa kabilang linya ay bumubuhay sa puso ko.

"Tell you what love.."

"I may not be able to see you right now, but I know you're as beautiful as ever, The moment I met you at the station, I knew that I won't be able to get over that face. Your smile, the most."

"Seed naman e."

"Whenever I miss you, I just, close my eyes.."

At napapikit din ako bigla na para bang sa bawat pagbigkas niya ng kwento ay nahyhypnotized ako.

"I close my eyes.. and relive those moments that I am with you. I remember when I'm about to leave you in the sea of people at the station, I can only think of.. that day, that one day that I will be close to you. That I will be able to finally hold your hand, I'll be able to comfort you when you're down, i'll be able to run my fingers through your hair, smell it while you're fast asleep in my shoulders, that one day i'll be able to kiss you. God, just the thought of your lips makes me weak. That one day, i will be able to ask you out for dinner, grow roses for you, bring you on a boat ride, or we can just stay in bed all day and watch movies and cuddle and I'd join you while you read your book, or read it out for you. that one day, we will no longer have to look around in places for each other, I'll be able to wake up beside you in a bed we both chose in a home depot, that we will never be apart. One day we'll be so close that one love around our fingers will bind us forever.."

"Seed"

Nakarinig ako ng mahinhin na paghikbi sa kabilang linya.

"God.. baby, I miss you so much, I wanna go home."

"Then go home."

----

"naaalala mo ba seed nung nasa new york ka?"

tanong ko habang nakahiga ako sa hita nya at sya ay nagbabasa ng libro.

"Yes. what's up?"

"Wala lang, naaalala ko lang na ang lungkot lungkot kapag wala ka sa tabi ko. Kapag hindi ko alam kung anong ginagawa mo at kung sinong kasama mo. Ang unfair lang kasi ikaw lagi kitang iniisip and then I kept myself busy during the days na wala ka."

"You don't have to worry about those anymore. I only have you in mind kapag nasa malayo ako. Lagi ko nalang iniisip na one more day na hindi tayo magkasama bawas din sa mga araw na malapit na kitang makita."

"Wala lang ang lungkot lang."

Hinalikan nya ako sa noo.

"You worry too much."

"Seed.. where do you see yourself 5 years from now tapos hindi na tayo magkasama?"

"I don't know..

..I would probably lose my mind, just the thought of not having you in my future makes me sick."

"Para ba akong drugs sayo?" Pabiro kong tanong.

"haha" at yun nanaman ang malambing niyang tawa.

"probably worse than drugs.. (at tumawa siyang muli na talagang nakakapanghina ng tuhod ko.

.. I just realised, Love will fuck me up more than drugs ever will."

----

"I wish I could baby, Believe me. But for now, I want to hear you smile to make this day a little better."

"..hihi.." pabiro kong ngiti.

"I.. I.. I love you."

"I know." patatawa kong sagot.

"God, you're making me crazy." pahihikbi niyang pagtawa at sabay pagpunas sa luha.

"Fuck this, I'm coming home tomorrow."

----

Sinara niya ang librong binabasa nya at hinawakan ang mga kamay ko. Hinipo niya ang palasingsingan ko kung saan nilagay niya doon ang singsing ng napakadaming pangako.

"I never thought that we'll be like this. this fucked up world, it's hard to find someone who can make you genuinely happy without doing anything. We're a lucky souls.. that God loves us this...

Much. Inistretch niya ang kamay niya at iniupo ako at niyakap.

"This much..." niyakap pa ng napakahigpit.

"This much..." at mahigpit pa.

"You are my heart." at hinalikan niya ako sa leeg habang nakayakap sya sa akin.

"5 years from now without you.. I'll be a lost soul again. Alam ko na kinaya ko namang mabuhay na wala ka, pero parang hindi ko na kakayanin pa ngayon, ayoko nang maiwan, masaktan. I hate waiting for that day that may never come, If our paths will ever meet pa at the same time. Baka kapag naghiwalay tayo hindi na tayo magkita."

"I know.. One of us will be left behind but baby, I will love you more to cover the distance, to cover for the lost time, and not a day will pass where I won't miss you every moment in between."

"Seed, darating ang araw na I will be alone in a road na kailangang kong tahakin mag-isa at natatakot ako. Natatakot ako sa araw na yun, sa one day na yun na wala ka."

"I'll be there by your side, baby, anywhere.. if that happens...

You have to put your trust in me, and we will make it."