My Memory Log

Fears

So I've decided to write my current biggest fears. I have a lot of fears so idk how long the list is. see if you can relate cx

It can get really deep towards the end. I started crying while writing. You have been warned.

1. Spiders. My biggest fear. Little tiny spiders scare the crap our of me. There was a huge one in my bathroom, and I didn't go in there for a week, which is funny because the day I finally decided to go back in and shower because I was starting to stink, a tiny spider appeared in the shower and I was literally screaming in terror and my mom thought someone broke in and was murdering me.

2. My friends not actually liking me. I'm super insecure and lame like that... It's just, sometimes I feel like I'm surrounded by pity friends and not real friends and it makes me feel terrible and then I get all mopey and. . . Yeah. it happens a lot really because my older sister has all these really good friends who surround her and text her all the time and my little sister is constantly next door with her best friend and I don't text my friends or hang out with them out of school and it's just. . . idk, I just feel like I've never had any really true friends and that scares me a lot.

3. I'm scared I'll never find anyone romantically like... My family and friends are always joking about my dying alone and even this morning I was telling my mom I want to be that old lady who waves a cane and tells kids to get off my lawn and she said, "you mean with your 32 cats?" and it's just... idk. I just have this feeling like I'm never going to find anyone that will like me and it's a big fear of mine.

4. I'm scared of car accidents. My old best friend, Randy, was out of school for two weeks because his older brother was hit by a drunk driver and died and that's when it really hit me it could happen to me any time. Like, I've always been scared of car accidents but I've never really called them my biggest fear.

5. Growing up. I don't want to grow up.

6. I'm really scared of draining boiling water. Like, when I make ramen noodles and have to drain the water and ask my sister to do it for me my family laughs at me but it really scares me.

7. Not really a fear but more like a. . . Meh. I want something to be mine. I've always wanted something to be mine. Dance is Scarlet's thing. Writing is half Scarlet's, have mine. French is a half and half between us but mostly hers (my family and family friends are all helping her save up to send her to Paris but I don't think they realized I'm also eligible to go.) Reading was mine but then wattpad came and stole it from me and it became hers. Lisa has kid shows and toys and singing. I just want to have an important thing in my life be mine. I have never had something just for me. My obsessions were always shared. I'm scared I'll never have my own thing.

8. I'm scared of crying in front of people. I can't cry in front of my family because Scarlet makes fun of me all the time and my mom will tell me to man up. Can't cry in school because... Well, embarrassing as hell.

9. Fire. I'm really scared of fire.

10. I'm afraid to tell my mom that for the past few weeks whenever she made dinner with meats like meatloaf or pot roast or porkchops, I threw the food in the trash because I don't really like those foods anymore all of a sudden but I don't want to make her feel bad.

11. I'm afraid I'll never be someone's favorite something. My mom's favorite is Lisa (she'll never admit it.) My dad's favorite is Scarlet (he admits it all the time.) I've never been anyone's best friend. I've never been anyone's favorite person, favorite cousin, favorite niece, or favorite student. (Well. . . maybe a favorite student. Me and Mrs. DiCarlo were super close and she told my mom I was her favorite student but I don't believe that) and I just want to be someone's favorite something and I'm afraid it'll never happen.

12. I'm scared of changing in the locker rooms at school. The People at my school are so fit and pretty, every single girl I swear... And then there's me the potato (literally everyone agrees I am potato.) I'm the one girl with big thighs, stretch marks, fat, pimples not concealed by make up, and so on. It's just I'm scared of how insecure the people make me feel.

13. I'm scared of talking to people. All I do is talk and talk and all I do is spit out a bunch of bull crap no one cares about, I call it verbal diarrhea. People get annoyed at me all the time for talking which makes me talk even more because I get nervous and scared and when I'm nervous and scared I talk even more. The last thing anyone would assume is this being part of my top fears but it is.

14. I'm scared of PE class. Like, before I exit the locker rooms I gulp in fear. Everyone at my school practice sports religiously (which is funny because all our sports teams SUCK. We lost 65-0 in our first football game. wth guys!?) And they're all fit and I'm over here during our two minute run gasping for breath and walking instead of running and they're all jogging like perfect angels with the rhythm of whatever song is playing, not breaking a sweat, and talking with their friends. Wouldn't you be scared of taking PE with these people like gosh. . .

15. I'm really scared of just anything involving my eyes. One person made the comment I should wear contacts (douchebag. My eyes are tiny af and my eyebrows don't exist. You do NOT wanna see me without my huge glasses. trust mei.) and I'm like, "haha, no. I'd poke my eyes out while trying to out them on and off." I hate stuff that involves touching the eyes and such. It's scary to me.

16. I'm scared I'll never be as good as my sisters. My older sister is the genius of the family and my little sister is the sweet caring one who can do no wrong and I'm over here as the average one who can't even hold her own in a game of Uno. Uno for goshs sake.

17. I'm scared of the reactions that will come from this.

18. I'm scared of watching horror movies and stuff with Scarlet and my dad because they don't get scared at all and watch R rated really scary ones and always laugh at me when I get scared. I guess it makes sense my favorite movie is Scream xD

19. I'm scared of being alone. Not alone as romantically or alone as in not being in a room with anyone. I mean alone as in having no one on my side. Once I was in a fight with one of my friends and all of our friends chose her. My best friend at that time who constantly ranted about how annoying she was picked her over me and I just felt so alone and trust me when I say it is not a good feeling. It's why I like friending new students and people with no friends. I know the feeling of being alone and I don't want anyone to feel like that.

20. I'm scared of my family. Not as in the screaming in terror but the jealous of how good they are type. My dad is super strong, my mom is friendly, my older sister is smart, my little sister is innocent and caring... And I'm just potato.