Mommy Dearest *Completed but Not Edited*

Chapter 35

Jaida:

I felt disgusting and worthless. I had been staring down at my hands while I sat on the shower floor, feeling the water run down my damaged body. I had just gotten home from the hospital and it had been three days since the accident at the club. It had also been three days since I last slept. I couldn't close my eyes without seeing that face in my mind. I couldn't close my eyes and not relive that memory over and over. Every excruciating detail.

I slowly got up and started scrubbing my skin raw again. For the second time. Hoping to wash away the memories. I could still feel his touch on me, his hands all over me, roaming my body, the knife still pressing into my arm and thighs. I could still feel the forced entry. I felt the bile rising up in my throat but I swallowed it down. I had already thrown up when I walked through the door, on the ride home and before I left the hospital. I narrowed my eyes and started scrubbing harder than last time, enough to break the skin.

I took a deep breath and washed the blood away from bruised, pink arm, feeling the tears build up in my eyes. I didn't understand why Cam still wanted to be with me. I was tainted and I would never be the same again. I hadn't spoken to anyone since the incident. Except Cameron and even with him, it was always a few words. I was always on edge, frightened by the slightest sound. I flinched away whenever someone got close. I knew Cameron felt terrible, I've seen it in his eyes. The feelings of hurt, pain, regret and guilt. I've tried to tell him that it isn't his fault that, it was my carelessness that got me in that situation so no one should feel bad. He hadn't listened when I told him that and had been trying to convince me to see a professional but I refused, if I couldn't talk to someone I trusted about it, how was talking to a total stranger going to be much different.

I needed to get my act together. I hated the way I was now. I hated that I couldn't go back to how I was. I hated that everyone was walking on eggshells around me. I had to go back to being the stong Jaida Williams that's raising a three year old. Bella. I hadn't seen her since the day we dropped her off at Clara's. I asked about her but I didn't want her to see me. Not like this. Not this weak and fragile shell of a person I used to be and needed to be for her. According to Cameron, she had been quite the handful and had been asking for me. She was still at Clara's but I wanted to see her so she was coming home today. I needed to see her innocent face to be reminded of the good that was still left in this world.

A soft knock on the door, interrupted me from my thoughts, "Jai?"

I sighed softly, "Yea?"

"I'm going to get Bella from grandma's. Genny's in her room if you need anything. Should I pick up something for us to eat?"

I thought about it for a moment before telling him yes, knowing fully well that I wasn't going to eat anything. It would just end up being flushed down the toilet bowl because I would be sure to throw it up at some point in the night. I sighed for a moment before turning off the shower, I was pruned and pink. It didn't get much better than this.

Grateful that Cameron left already, I took my time get dressed, Long pajama pants and one of Cameron's sweatshirts. The last thing I needed was to feel exposed. I stared at my face in the mirror, gently prodding my cheek, the swelling had gone down and the bruise had faded but it made no difference to me. All I saw when I watched myself were extremely noticeable bruises, scars and handprints. I stared at my expressionless face and tried to smile, that looked more like a grimace. I didn't want Bella to realize that something was wrong, she didn't need to worry about me. Her only concern should be what flavour her birthday cake would be. Genny and Cameron had been trying to convince me to postpone her party but I refused. I wasn't going to punish my daughter like that.

I turned away and crawled into bed, inhaling Cameron's scent. Closing my eyes. I knew it would be a useless attempt but I tried to get some sleep. It couldn't have been no more than ten minutes before my eyes snapped open and the urge to throw open consumed me once again. I jumped out of bed and ran straight for the toilet. I stiffen and threw up even more when I felt a hand hold up my hair before immediatley letting go.