No Love

Chapter 29

Alijah POV

With everything that's been going on, I'd say I held up better than anyone, including myself thought. Of course with the comfort and support from my parents, August, and very seldom, Erica whenever she popped up, I had no choice but to open up to someone. Although it was tough to do so, it felt better to express the way I felt or the things that went through my mind on a daily basis rather than keeping everything to myself and just sweeping it under the rug.

I wouldn't say this loss was the hardest thing I've dealt with but it's in the top five. I'd lost my second child the day before my birthday. Happy birthday to me right? I'd learned not to blame myself for it though, something I failed at miserably after that abortion. I've been constantly told that it wasn't my fault but still having thoughts about what it could've been doesn't help at all.

If I would've controlled myself and didn't flip shit on Crystal, my child would still be living and developing. Just thinking about it, causes me to later blame myself for the loss of my child but I'd remind myself of the lack of knowledge I had about being with child just to get by. That solution has been working so I'm sticking to it.

I wouldn't say I've fully forgiven myself for taking something so precious from myself and both August and my family, but I'm workig towards it while in the process of finding myself. Something I've been brushing off for a while now.

The final court date for trial is in less than a week and to say I was nervous would be a goddamn understatement. Everytime I thought about losing this case my stomach went Super Siyan, I damn near shit myself and I have a nervous breakdown. I'd say that I've accepted my circumstances though, even though I know that I'm not the culprit they're trying to make me.

And to add on to that I was being penalized because Crystal decided to press charges.That case had already been settled though. I only had 144 more hours of community service which was cleaning bathrooms and shit at a group home every other day but I was cool with that.

Even though I'm probably not going to graduate, I've been getting up on my behind work for the slight possibility of getting to walk.

You could say I was near my breaking point. I wouldn't deny it. The thought of giving up on life crosses my mind more than ten times a day.

I have yet to catch a break.

I closed my laptop, sitting it on the nightstand before crawling to the end of my bed to see August and Layah both asleep on the floor. I've been seeing a lot of that little munchkin since she stayed on her God Daddy's hip and he was over here everyday of the week before and after school and after I was done with community service to check on me.

He'd also went as far as going against the grain and bringing Dooby here after my mom had strictly enforced that no dogs were to be in her house.

I could see the effect our loss had on Aug too. Whenever someone mentioned it around him, he would get absolutely quiet or leave the room. We had talked about it but I'd say that's the most he has and I don't blame him. He was distant sometimes, like he was thinking about some deep shit but I didn't bother him for the sake of giving him space.

He also brought it to my attention that he wasn't sure if the kid was even his which kinda bothered me. To know he thought I was out here hoe hoppin' moved me the wrong way and I cut him off for like a week. He's actually the only person I've slept with while I've been in California. Even after we broke up he was the only person I was having any relations with.

I stood and picked Layah up and placed her on the bed before waking August and telling him to get in the bed.

"Where you going?" He spoke, eyes still closed.