You Can't Save Me..

Chapter 18

Ashton's POV

I can't believe how much Luke really is helping me. And I love having him around, but I feel bad taking him from his family like this.

"Luke, you need to go home for the night. It's like 7:30 and you haven't been home since 3."

"Yeah, my mum texted me a bit ago wondering if I would be home soon. She um. She wants to meet you." He says scratching the back of his neck.

"What? How does she even know me?" I ask, shocked and terrified to meet his mother. People kinda scare me.

"Welllll, I may or may not have texted my mom right after you agreed to be my girlfriend and told her all about you.." He says blushing a bit.

"Oh my god you did not." I respond, laughing and smiling at how cute that was.

I wish I was close to my parents like that. The only reason my mom even knows me and Luke are together is because I told Jake and the girls in front of her.

He smiles back and pulls me into a hug, "I didn't tell her any of the other stuff though. Just told her how pretty my new girlfriend was. So, do you wanna meet her this weekend maybe?"

I smile, relieved she didn't know any of that. I feel bad enough placing the burden on Luke's shoulders, I could never do that to his mom as well. "I would love to meet her this weekend. I just have to get someone to babysit cause Jake has to go back to America for something. Something went wrong at my aunts house, meaning he broke something and now has to fix it. But he'll be gone this weekend. Maybe Megan could babysit. I'll text her later and let you know before tomorrow." I let out smiling, but secretly nerves were eating me alive already.

"Okay. I'll see you tomorrow at school?" He asks.

I nod, pulling him in for one more kiss before he walks out the door.
I walk up the stairs and make sure the girls school bags are packed and they have clothes out for the next day before putting them to bed.

I hear my phone ding and open it to see a text from Luke.

Had a great time today baby. Btw, I know you're nervous about meeting my mum. Don't be. She already loves you.

I smile at the text, loving the adorable gesture, walking to the shower. I shower then check once more on Courteney, who is still sleeping. She's such a good baby. Then I hop into bed.

I'm so exhausted, but I know I won't sleep. I stared at the ceiling above me for what seems like an hour, but is really only 4 minutes. I toss and turn for a couple minutes before giving up. I pull out my notebook and begin writing.

Do you ever just need to cry? It always comes when you're standing in a room full of people and you have to hold it all back and you think to yourself, 'hold on for another hour then you can slip to bed and cry it all out before tomorrow.' Then you hold it all in. You fight the tears.

Then when you finally get alone, you can't cry. And you want to so bad, but you can't. So you just lay there. Staring at the ceiling, emotionless. Then that's when your worst thoughts come.

When you're completely vulnerable to everything. That's when you remember that bottle full of pills in your night table. That's when you thinking about cutting just a little to deep. And that's when there's no one there to stop you, but yourself. So you try. So damn hard. But it's getting near impossible.

It starts to seem like a better option than going on through this Hell we call life. But I don't want to die. And I don't want to live either. I just want to sleep the pain away. But it's always there when I wake up. So maybe I don't want to wake up..

I close the book, but leave it sitting on the bed before me. I try to force some tears out of my eyes. Some form of emotion. I need anything. I realize it's not going to come. So I set the book back on the table and lean back.

I look out the window, counting the stars and measuring the distance between them, making up scenarios of the day they will finally meet.

I close my eyes and try to ignore the voices growling inside my head. I want to scream. I can't take this.

I reach over into the night table once more and pull out a blade and an bottle of pills. I dump the pills before me and pick up the blade.

I drag it back and forth and cross my wrist, not deep enough to kill me, just deep enough to feel something. I breathe in and out calmly, looking at the dots of red seeping up in perfectly straight lines. And I smile.

I then close my eyes and set the blade back down. I reach forward to pick up the pills. I want to let them swim down my throat. I want to let them pull me into another world. But I just can't.

I can't leave my family like that. I can't leave Luke like that..

I start sweating and my breathing becomes laboured. My vision blurs and I can feel my body heating up. I throw the pills at the wall and break down back into my emotionless state. Staring at the ceiling. Waiting for sleep to overtake me. Though I know it never will.