You Can't Save Me..

Chapter 44

Ashton's POV

As Luke and I arrive at a small coffee shop on the corner I cringe a bit. "Ready for breakfast?" He asks.

"Honestly? No." I answer bluntly. I haven't been eating normally in the least. We both know that. "But I promised. So let's go." I finish softly.

Luke takes my hand and leaves a soft kiss to my knuckles before exiting the car. I follow suit and we walk hand in hand into the small café.

"Go find us a table. I'll get the food." Luke says.

I nod slightly before moving to the booth in the back corner and sitting down next to the window. I pull my knees up to my chest and close my eyes and begin thinking.

I don't know why I'm not getting better. There's just been so much stress. Words can't describe how stressful it is when you haven't heard from your mother in weeks. Words can't describe how much weight is put on your shoulders when you have children to care for. School is finally out. Thank God. School destroyed me. But now I have to choose a college. I have colleges fighting over me. I'm an athlete graduating a year early with an honors diploma, a 4.0 GPA and 27 college credits. I have colleges in Europe contacting me. I'm not even considering that. I can't leave my family, but all the emails I'm getting from all the different schools are killing me. Then there's all this shit that's constantly hanging over me. I'm so close to giving up. I'm hiding my cuts better so I can wear comfy clothes when exercising, but they're still there. There's so much. And I can't stop myself. Sometimes I'll be sitting somewhere and an image of me hanging lifeless from the ceiling plants itself in my mind. I used to be able to push it away, but I can't now. I can't get it out of my head and the voices scream at me to do it. It's what I deserve. I've lost control of my thoughts. What happens when I lose control of my actions as well? I can't handle all of this. And I want to tell Luke, but I can't. I hate hurting him. I absolutely hate it and everytime I tell him about this stuff he gets a hurt look on his face.

I need to calm down. Luke will be back with the food soon. Breathe. In. Out. In. Out. Okay. Calm down. Luke has a day planned without the stress. Focus only on Luke. Don't forget to breathe. In. Out. In. Out.

Finally I calm myself down and open my eyes just in time to see Luke walking back to our table with food and coffee in his hands.

He sets down 2 cups of coffee and 2 bagels and an plate of fruit. My eyes widen at the sight of all the food but I keep my breathing steady.

In. Out. In. Out.

"Here's your coffee. Black, just like you like it." Luke says with a smile as he sits down at the other side, pushing a cup of coffee toward me.

I smile, "Thanks Luke." I say happily. The coffee I don't mind. I like coffee. It's the food that makes me cringe.

"I also brought you a bagel and some fruit." He adds looking into my eyes.

I nod slightly, not moving to eat.

"Just eat a little bit. Half of the bagel and a piece or two of the fruit?" He asks pleadingly.

I nod again, this time picking up my arm and reaching for the bagel. I bite into the bread and chew slowly, allowing the calories to slide down my throat and take their place as fat.

I repeat the process over and over again slowly until half of it is gone. I then set the rest down and lean my head back, feeling sick. "I can't eat the fruit Luke. I'm sorry." I say softly. I close my eyes, not wanting to see the disappointment written across his face.

"Ash baby. Look at me." He says softly.

I open my eyes and move my head to look at him.

"Thank you." He says sincerely. "You don't have to eat the fruit. I know how hard it was for you to eat the bagel. And I know how long it's been since you have eaten. I'm proud of you." He finishes.

I smile slightly before my eyes widen. I can't even hold the food. I feel it start to come up and run to the restroom in the back. Luke follows behind me quickly and as much as I want to tell him to stay here, I can't. If I open my mouth it's all going on the floor.

I rush into the bathroom and empty the contents of my stomach into the toilet all while Luke holds my hair back and rubs my back soothingly.

"I'm sorry." I choke out.

"Shhh. It's okay baby. You tried. That's all I ask." He says, pulling me into his chest.

"Can you go get my purse from the table?" I ask Luke, not having the energy to stand up yet.

"Of course baby doll." He says kissing my forehead and walking back to the table.

I lean my head back against the stall wall and breathe.

In. Out. In. Out.

Finally, I force myself off the ground as Luke walks in holding my small purse.

I smile and take the bag from him. I open it up and pull out a small toothbrush and a travel tube of toothpaste. Luke gives me a questioning look. Like, who carries a toothbrush with them. "This happens more often than you'd think." I say softly before brushing my teeth.

After I fix my makeup and hair and basically just clean myself up, we leave to our table. We pick up our coffees, deciding to take them with us and throw away what is left of my food.

I'm not going to let this get to me today. Bad start doesn't mean bad day. Breathe and everything will be okay. In. Out. In. Out. Just keep breathing. In. Out.