You Can't Save Me..

Chapter 38

Luke's POV

It's been about 4 days since Ashton had her panic attack. Her mom hasn't been home since, but she has shown up to work and Ashton says that's all that matters.

Evan moved in with them. Ashton went and saw his apartment and said it was shit and they had a spare room anyway. I feel better knowing he's there.

Right now I'm laying in my bed and I just can't force myself to sleep.

I'm worried about Ashton. She's trying so hard to get better, but I can tell she's not. She's getting worse.

Yesterday we were sitting in her room because Evan said she needed a break and he was cooking dinner.

So we were up in her room and she didn't look like herself. She didn't look happy or sad. She just seemed, kind of, there.

I asked if she was okay and she told me. Everything.

I remember every word she said.

Flashback
"I don't know what to do. I'm trying to get better. I really am. I'm trying to be optimistic and look at everything that's going well, but nothing is helping. I'm just not doing any better. But it's not like I feel sad either. I wish I felt sad! I would give anything to have any type of emotion at this point. I just feel empty. Like nothing matters at all. Everything is getting worse. I'm not eating, but it's not even because I'm starving. It's because I don't care enough to eat. I just don't have the energy. And I'm cutting again. A lot more. And I can't stop myself. I'm bruising and burning as well. It's all I can do to feel. Yesterday, I went for a walk and my feet led me to the train tracks. It was 4 in the morning and I stood on the tracks. I saw the train barreling toward me, and I didn't move. I felt the train tracks as they shook against my feet. The loud clinking of the bars echoed in my ears, but I stood my ground. I kept my feet pinned there until the very last second. Then I peeled my feet from the tracks and walked off. Then I walked home numbly. Nothing mattered. I was ready to go. I'm still not sure why I didn't. I just don't care anymore. It's like I see the world in black and white. And I hate it because I have no reason to feel like this. I have the most beautiful siblings and I have Evan and I have you! It would be different if I were sad because I can explain that. It makes sense to people. Like someone asks, "Why aren't you acting like yourself?" "Oh, I'm just a little sad today." It makes sense. There's a word for it. But what about me? "Why aren't you acting like yourself?" "Oh I'm feeling a little numb today." Like, what? That's not a conversation. It doesn't fit. I just don't know what to do anymore. And I'm supposed to go to that psychiatrist tomorrow. Apparently he's a friend of Evan's, but I still can't just drop my whole story to some stranger. I don't want to go. These damn pills aren't helping me either. They just make me feel like my life's a fake. If Evan doesn't say something I'm just not gonna show up because I don't care. And that's what I mean. I should care that I am going to see a psychiatrist and I'm getting help. But I just don't care about anything. In the end, I don't think I want to die, but I sure as hell don't want to live either. I just need a break from the world."

Her words echoed through my mind. Little snippets played on repeat before moving on to another part. She's getting worse and I can't help her.

I don't know what to do.

I promised I would save her.

I don't break promises.

I continue trying to think of anything I can do to help her, but I just don't know.

Finally I drift off to sleep with one thought on my mind, I can save her.

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Okay so there's gonna be some huge time skips coming up here because school seriously gets in the way of all the cute stuff they should be doing.
So I'm gonna skip around. Just to skip school. Because school sucks.