Dedicated to my sister
In the media these days I see a lot of articles about self-love and how we should accept our flaws as part of who we are. I also see a lot of articles about how we should do our best to improve ourselves and constantly strive to make ourselves better people.
I've been thinking about this subconsciously for the past few weeks, and aided by a workshop I did a couple of days ago about creative thinking and being a good and supportive listener, I have made a decision entirely for myself that all of these articles are bullshit as far as I'm concerned. I am the kind of person who needs to think things through for herself, and as much as outside advice helps, it can also get really confusing, especially when there's a lot of it, because a greater quantity of outside advice means more potential for inconsistencies.
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What am I scared of? I'm not scared of failure, because I believe that the only failure is giving up, and I have sufficient confidence in my own willpower to trust that I won't give up things that are important to me. But do I really believe this, or do I just say it because it makes me sound confident and in control?
Do I really believe that I'm beautiful? Do I wear makeup because I want to, or do I wear it because I think I'm not pretty enough? What is pretty enough? Will I ever reach that? Do I want to?
Am I confident? Do I believe in myself? Can I do anything I want to do?
Sometimes when other people praise me a lot it has the opposite effect from the one they intended. It actually makes me not believe them so much, and then I become less confident.
I shouldn't allow what other people say to affect the way I see myself, but after almost 19 years of being taught to seek affirmation from other people, it's awfully hard to reverse that.
Do I really say what I mean, or do I say what is expected of me to say if I want people to think I say what I mean?
I'm scared that I'm losing my individuality because I'm at college. I'm scared that I'll graduate and I won't be able to get a job as a cellist and I'll have to go to grad school and somehow find a way to pay for that and even after I get a graduate degree I won't get a job as a cellist and I'll have to work at a fast food restaurant or grocery store and I'll be one of those musician failure stories, the 99 out of every 100 who didn't make it and I can't let myself be that because if I can't do what I love then there is no point in my living but at the same time I would be too much of a coward to kill myself and why am I even thinking about suicide because life has so much more to offer than music but not for me, music is my life and it is my soul and it is my love and I would fall apart if I ever lost it and this seems so unhealthy, like those relationships where they get super jealous and don't trust each other and check each other's phones secretly and I'm scared that I'm not a good musician and I'm scared that faced with the pressure to constantly create something new I might lose myself and the part of me that might actually make me a good musician and I'm scared about technique and I'm just scared of life because I'm not ready and no one is ever ready when there's less than a month to go before they turn 19 and I'm frightened.
But most of all I'm frightened that my fear is holding me back and keeping me from doing everything I could be doing.
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I love myself, I say as I look in the mirror and frown at the flab of skin protruding over the waistband of my jeans.
I love myself, I say as I hide my 3-days-since-I-washed-it hair under a hat to keep anyone from seeing how icky I think it looks.
I love myself, I say as I dab at the grease on my pizza with a paper napkin because I read somewhere that if you remove grease from pizza it cuts calories.
I love myself, I say as I search my mind for answers about why I act the way I do and come up empty because there are no answers.
I love myself, I say as I scream internally because I forgot what I said less than five minutes ago.
I don't hate, but if I were to hate anything, it would be myself.
I love myself.
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Why is it so hard to know whether you love someone? And why is it so hard to tell what kind of love it is?
He told me he thought of me as a friend. I can't, now, tell him that I love him. It would spoil our friendship, which would suck, because I like hanging out with him.
Then there's this other guy who I'm pretty sure I don't like romantically but somehow when he does certain things I get upset and I don't even know why.
I'm okay with not knowing certain things, but I thought I knew myself. I'm not okay with not knowing myself.
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Lyrics for the song in case you're interested
All my bags are packed, I'm ready to go
I'm standing here outside your door
I hate to wake you up to say goodbye
But the dawn is breaking, it's early morn
Taxi's waiting, he's blowing his horn
Already I'm so lonesome I could cry
So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go
I'm leaving on a jet plane
I don't know when I'll be back again
Oh babe, I hate to go
There's so many times I've let you down
So many times I've played around
I tell you now, they don't mean a thing
Every place I go, I think of you
Every song I sing, I sing for you
When I come back, I'll wear your wedding ring
So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go
I'm leaving on a jet plane
I don't know when I'll be back again
Oh babe, I hate to go
Now the time has come to leave you
One more time, let me kiss you
Then close your eyes, I'll be on my way
Dream about the days to come
When I won't have to leave alone
About the time I won't have to say
Kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go
I'm leaving on a jet plane
I don't know when I'll be back again
Leaving on a jet plane
I don't know when I'll be back again
Leaving on a jet plane
I don't know when I'll be back again
Oh babe, I hate to go
