so i havent posted in here in a long while, and i understand if the few readers i did have are long gone. and if you werent gone before youll probably leave after this because its basically the worst parts of me.
so tonight i was lying on my bed and playing games on my phone because i didnt have the energy to be social and rubbing my feet against the sides of the mattress because they are COVERED in bug bites and i didnt want to scratch them because they might bleed and my fingernails are long and i should cut them
and then i sat up and put some anti itch cream on one of my feet (im almost out of anti itch cream and ive been here for three weeks and also it doesnt always work so one time i used toothpaste and it worked eventually but left sticky green stuff on my skin)
and then i lay back down and a bug bite on my other foot just started HURTING and i started crying
and as i was crying i was asking myself "is this really about the bug bites" and i dont think it was
it was about way too many things
like the fact that im terrified for my mom and my sister for reasons i wont tell complete strangers
or the fact that im scared that im not getting better at cello and im here for another intensive session of tons of masterclasses and private lessons but i kind of just want to go practice for two months to process everything ive learned over the past two sessions
or the fact that for whatever reason the boys i like who are actually worth my time are never the ones who like me
or the fact that im CRYING over a stupid bug bite and what does that say about my mental health
obviously i am nowhere near having my shit together and this scares me because i need my shit together if im ever going to make money as a musician
no one wants to hire a nut case
my heart hurts and sometimes i wonder why im alive
am i really making that valuable a contribution to society? because it doesnt feel like it
it feels like i am useless
and i know that isnt true but its very hard to believe it
sometimes i just want to SCREAM i want to stand up and yell and cry and punch things
but i wont
because ive seen what happens when people do that and everyone gets hurt
so ill just lie here and keep crying
