may shatter on impact (tronnor)

6. Math Equations & Staying Silent

Sneakers squeaking against the polished floors, rolling backpacks tripping up the stairs, the buzz of conversations and tap of texts sent and the click of locked phones. A teacher calling for a student who's walking away and pretending they don't hear him. Another student yelling about a party they weren't invited to. Trivial things that don't matter. But when those are the biggest problems, you know that your life is going okay.

Nora Adams, Zoe's friend - the one who's mute, asks Connor about the homework, hands shaking and eyes watering as she signs out the question, worried that she'd forgotten it. Ricky Dillon complains about marching band to Zoe, who couldn't care less. Marcus Butler sighs his way to explaining to anyone who will listen how awful it is that he made the soccer team and now has to commit to after-school practice everyday. "Life is short," Connor tells him, slapping his back. "Make the most of it."

I think Connor really gets it.

He's a good guy.

All of them are, really. They're kind and sweet like those sledding hills sugarcoated with snow but made of ice. Wonderful and amazing but hiding something.

I don't mind; I'm hiding things too.

I think life is just a sledding hill of sorts - fast and wonderful and terrifying and hiding the ice underneath the snow that makes us all think the world might be perfect.

I wonder if the kids back home see that too, because when Clara talks at me about math equations and how awful life is, I know that these kids don't.

"So, x is fourteen, right, Troye?" Clara asks, not waiting for an answer before she writes it down in pen. Why doing math in pen is a good idea, I don't know, but she doesn't get the answers wrong very often so I suppose it doesn't matter.

"Clara, Nora would like me to ask for your help," Connor interrupts.

Clara beams at the chance to help someone else and show off her math skills to someone who might actually be impressed instead of jealous and frustrated. Well, Nora would probably be jealous and frustrated anyways but she'd pretend to be impressed. She's nice like that. Or deceptive. I haven't decided yet.

"Hey, Troye." His voice is quiet, as if he's noticed how I can't stand noise. "Clara showing off over here?"

I laugh silently, bubbling in a on the scantron that our teacher, Ms. Phillips, likes to use instead of normal paper. "A l-little. I - " should have done something, anything.

Shut up, shut up, shut up, don't speak, I can't speak. Don't. Speak.

Connor looks up from his test after I don't finish my sentence, expecting an answer. I just shake my head and start doing the math for the next one. He doesn't mention it.

"Connor!" Caspar Lee yells across the room, his voice pounding through my ears and a ruler falling to the ground and someone chewing gum and there's too much noise, do you want to die?

I don't realize I've hidden myself under the desk with my hands over my ears until I can feel the stares and Connor and Zoe are sitting next to me, saying words I can't listen to - everything has to be silent - and Connor's hands are on mine, trying to get me to look up, I'm sure of it but -

his hands

they're on mine

no no no no no this is all wrong

help