may shatter on impact (tronnor)

13. Stop & Sleep

"C-Connor....I-I'm g-going to tell you something and...and you can't tell anyone e-else. P-please."

He nods. "Whatever you want, Troye."

"L-last year," I started, "I - I went to a p-place...called S. P. F-ferdinand High."

"Isn't that the school where..."

"Y-yes."

"Oh my God," he muttered. "Oh, Troye, I - "

"Don't you dare apologize."

My voice is hard rock, glacier and ice and water in a storm to take over the oceans and sink all the land. I've had enough sorrys to last a lifetime and I have had enough of sorrys, I've had enough of apologies because I know that I had to have done something wrong for it to go the way that it did, I know how horrible it was - I was there, I know.

And I'm done with people who apologize for things they couldn't have stopped.

I could've stopped him.

I could've done something.

"Okay, Troye, I won't but..." He can't complete that sentence, only grips my hand tighter.

"I-It's al-alright, Connor. T-there's more to i-it...though."

He turned towards me, confused.

"I - " I take a breath. He was never supposed to know yet here I am, oh God, why am I telling him this? He's not supposed to know. "I can't - "

"It's okay, Troye, you don't have to tell me anything. Just breathe and wait out the rest of second period, yeah?"

"I - I'm...I'm going to s-sleep."

"Okay, Troye," he says, smiling, every inch of him seeming to glow, seeming to be happy, his eyes sparkling, but there's a bit of anger and pity behind the sparkle in his eyes. I shouldn't have said anything and now it's too late. Too late, so late, I shouldn't have -

"I'll wake you up when it's time to go, alright?"

I just nod and close my eyes, leaning on his shoulder, taking comfort in the hands wrapped around mine, the ones that I shouldn't be letting stay there.

But I do.

And so I sleep.