may shatter on impact (tronnor)

7. Dreams & Darkness

I'm curled up against the window, face pressed to the cold glass, tears tracking rivers through the dust and general grime. No one on the bus is talking, mostly since they were all whispering about me, and Tyde has his hand on my back, rubbing small circles of comfort into my bones.

"Go to sleep, Tokky," he murmurs. "The bus ride is long enough for a short nap and it's been a long day."

I close my eyes, letting the silence of the bus drift away.

Child care has always been one of my favorite lessons of the day. The kids bubble away with happy laughter and conversations that only make sense in their make believe worlds. The room is painted with butterfly murals, with flowers and fairies with glittering wings on one wall. The other wall is an ocean with a pirate ship, the waves lapping against hard wood and the ocean spray coming just over the walls of the ship. Above us, a green dragon spreads his wings and his fiery breath lights the ceiling fan on fire, the tips of it's blades flaming and the center of it has been painted into black coals. The kids love the room, and so do all the students in the class, along with the teacher, Ms. Long. Anyone who comes in does, really.

Jenny, the girl Mia Coven is supposed to be watching, wanders over to me and Lia, the girl I watch. She holds out a block with the letters A, B, and C painted on three sides, the fourth a butterfly. "Here!" She laughs when I take it and Lia grabs it from me, the intense look of concentration on her face something that I can't help but laugh at.

"Troye?" Ms. Long asks, carrying the three year old James in her arms. "Would you mind taking James to the bathroom? Tyler isn't here today so he can't do it. I'll watch Lia."

"No problem, Ms. L," I tell her. "Hey, Jamey. Let's go to the bathroom, yeah?"

He wiggles around in my arms, trying to get back to the blocks, but laughs as I tickle him and we leave the classroom.

We leave the classroom and step into darkness. James begins to cry but I can't see him, I can't reach him, I can't touch him or hold him. "James?" I call out.

It's so dark.

"Troye? Come on, we're home," Tyde says softly, pushing me awake. "We're home, Troye, wake up."

I blink the dream out of my eyes, shaking slightly. My hands tremble but I stand and pull my backpack over my shoulders, ignoring Tyde's offer of carrying it. "I'm fine."

Tyde doesn't protest anymore, just follows me off the bus and into our house.

"Hey, mum!" Tyde says into the silence of home. "We're back!"

She rushes down the stairs, forgetting to skip the creaky one and I wince. "Troye! Oh my God, I just got the call from the school, are you - "

I just nod and walk upstairs. I'm fine.

Absolutely fine.

But, really, I'm still just screaming into the darkness.

I think that I always will be.