may shatter on impact (tronnor)

16. Friendship & Singing

wtf are these chapter titles

Zoe walks ahead of Connor, Nora and I, holding hands with Alfie. Dan and Phil are laughing at some inside joke behind us, and ahead of Zoe and Alfie are Joe and Caspar, Zoe's brother and his friend.

You nervous? Nora signs to me, Connor translating as I haven't quite gotten the hang of sign language. I just shrug - yes, yes I am.

"I'm sorry I asked you to do this, Troye, you don't have to if you don't want to..." Connor tells me, somewhat miserably.

"N-no, it's okay. I'll do it. It'll...be fun. A-as long as t-they don't hate me f-for being so bad aft-afterwards."

"Troye, you're amazing, no one's going to hate you."

"Besides, even if you were awful, which Connor says you aren't, we wouldn't hate you for that!" Connor says for Nora. "And, besides, there's no way that your piano playing can be worse than the time when Caspar decided he wanted to be an opera singer."

I have to laugh at that. "So I'm guessing he wasn't very good?"

"Oh he was awful," Connor says. "At least he stopped even trying after a few days and started learning soccer, which he's actually not bad at."

Well that was a little comforting.

We arrived at Zoe's house in the next five minutes, a simple garden taking over the cracked concrete walkway, the roses weaving their way through a broken trellis and ivy growing up the brick walls.

We step inside after her and Alfie, and her home has sound.

Joe and Caspar are running upstairs, their weight somehow supported by stairs that seem to be on the verge of falling apart after years and years of use. Zoe points out rooms as we make our way to the kitchen, guest bedroom, living room, bathroom, etc.

We stop in the kitchen where Zoe tosses snacks at us, singing softly to herself. At some point, Connor joins in singing, eventually everyone else joining, except Nora and I. Nora is smiling, but there's a sadness in her eyes, like she can hear the fun but she can't be part of it.

"'Cause you got that...one thing," they sing, the sound filling up the room with happiness bubling over into the rest of the house, the group becoming one with the lyrics, dancing around the kitchen with each other just for fun, just to feel the noise.

And I find that I'm not scared at all.

"So get out, get out, get out of my head, and fall in to my arms, instead," Connor sings loudly, grabbing my hands and swinging me around. Laughter bubbles out of my throat before I realize what's happening and then I'm singing at the top of my lungs with them, Nora banging out the rhythm on some pots and pans, the rest of us singing, all of us basking in the glory of loud pop songs and lyrics that don't mean anything. "I don't, don't know what it is, but you've got that...one thing, and I need that - one thing!"

Connor throws a bag of chips at me as we all settle down on the couch, the tune still playing on repeat in our minds, the laughter still evident on our faces and rosy cheeks. Dan throws popcorn at Nora, the blonde girl catching it in her mouth and silently cheering while Phil laughs in amazement. Zoe and Alfie have disappeared up to the attic to get the electric piano. Connor and I still sit together, happily munching on chex mix and cheese-its.

When Zoe and Alfie reappear, we all cheer, and despite the noise and the growing pit of anxiety in the back of my mind, I somehow cheer with them. Zoe laughs, and calls me up. "Connor has been singing your praises all day, Troye, come show us!"

Connor blushes. "I wasn't really - "

"'Oh you should hear him sing, Zoe'," she says in a horrible imitation of Connor. "'And he can play piano, and he's so good, Zoe, you should hear him!'"

Dan laughs, joining in on the imitation. "'Dan, his voice is practically magical! And he's so nice!"

Connor somehow sinks lower into the couch, covering his face with his hands. "I didn't - You know what? I hate all of you."

Everyone else explodes into laughter, before Zoe waves her hand and says, "Come on, Troye!"

I groan comedically, and stand up, settling down in front of the piano. "What should I play?"

There's a chorus of answers, but Connor's sticks out to me - Ed Sheeran's "Kiss Me". I know that one by heart, smiling at the memory of learning it.

But as I start to play, I shake off the memory and live in the beautiful silence that the others are giving me, relishing in the rush of piano notes and memorized lyrics and Connor's green eyes staring so proudly and happily and lost in the sound.

"So kiss me, like you want to be loved," I sing. "You wanna be loved, you wanna be loved..."

They're lost in the sound, smiling, swaying along, Dan and Phil pushing at each other, Zoe cuddled up on Alfie's chest, Connor and Nora smiling like the room had turned to gold as I sang.

"This feels like falling in love..."

This is what it feels like to move on, to be happy, to be with friends.

I love it.