may shatter on impact (tronnor)

50. Icy Tears & The Speed of Safety

Connor calls when I am barely keeping my eyes open. I answer the call anyways, stopping the ring that cuts through the silence in an annoying jingle too similar to an alarm clock to be comforting like Connor is.

"I need to change your ringtone," I say as soon as FaceTime connects.

He smiles at that, the lag moving his lips to slowly, but that doesn't matter right now. "What're you going to change it to?"

I shrug. "It doesn't really matter as long as it's not the annoying one I have it on right now." I exit FaceTime for a moment, scrolling through my music, the phone lighting up the underside of my desk, where I hide. "What song reminds you of me?"

"I don't know. Why?"

I shrug before forgetting that he can't see me, and switching back to FaceTime. "I need something to spark my creativity. Because there are a lot of songs I could choose for you."

He smiles, considering that for a moment. "Livewire. Oh Wonder. Reminds me of when we sang that on the car ride to the beach."

I grin at the memory, setting the song as his ringtone with a few taps of my finger, before my smile fades.

"What's wrong?" I don't answer. "Troye?"

"I - Just...just Thanksgiving."

He tilts his head in confusion. "What about it?"

"We went to see my family. And they - they haven't seen us in so long."

He blinks, processing that for a moment. "Oh. Oh." I nod at his sudden realization, watching him blink slowly and cast his eyes downward before turning to look at me, concerned. "Are you alright?"

I just shrug.

"You can trust me, Troye."

I close my eyes, leaning against the wall, breathing heavily for no reason. "T-there's this one cousin. Oliver Perez. H-he's only ten years old and he...he doesn't really understand empathy or - or sympathy." I take a shaky breath, each pause in my words feeling like I was betraying my family by telling Connor this, by speaking like this, by making myself and Tyde the victim and Oliver the villain. "H-he didn't really understand how to just...shut up, and stop talking, and..."

"Troye, breathe," Connor says quietly. "Just breathe for now. You don't have to tell me anything."

I shake my head. "I- I want to."

"Okay, Troye. But just take a breath first, okay?"

I nod, trying to steady my shaky breaths and make sense of the noise within my head, turning my jumbled words and thoughts into comprehensible sentences and the air I exhale into a real breath.

"Okay, you alright?"

"Y-yeah. I'm okay."

We let the silence sit between us, our breathing the only noise either of us makes. If I close my eyes, I can pretend that he's next to me, I can picture his hand on mine, his eyes searching mine. I can practically feel the warmth of his body pressing softly against mine, wiping a tear of my cheek, and his voice traveling over my mind, leaving behind a trail of beauty like a blanket of white snow.

Little crystals of ice, of salty tears, hang onto Connor's eyelashes, shining and flickering in the light like an angel.

"W-why are you crying?"

He blinks away the ice, as if trying to erase the memory of it ever being there. "Because I just wish I could be with you right now."

I close my eyes, recalling the touch of his fingers trailing down my arm and his fingers intertwined with mine like strings woven tightly together. I feel the creases of his hand in mine, his eyes glimmering with all the colors of the sea, the little sliver of hope always there, always holding me steady.

"I wish you could be here, too."

But in a way, he is here with me, making my heart beat steady like a drum, and my fingers crave touch and my tears drying in his presence, my mind slowing to the speed of safety.