may shatter on impact (tronnor)

26. Noise & Closed Doors

"Where the hell have you been?" Mum yells from upstairs when I walk in the door. I slam backwards against the glass, her yells seeming to break through what I had made to be an impenetrable glass between me and all the too-loud noises of the world.

"I was worried sick, Troye Sivan Mellet! You can not just disappear like that! This isn't Clarke Lake anymore, we don't know these people or this place and anything could happen!" She comes running down the stairs now, pointing fingers and her yell filling up the whole house.

I don't say anything, just stay pressed against the cool glass, the doorknob digging into my lower back.

"Troye, speak to me! The least you could do is apologize!"

My hands are shaking too much to sign anything, and she wouldn't understand anyways, and my mind is too rushed to form words, I can't anyways.

"Troye!"

I open my mouth but words won't flow; I raise my hands but it's for protection from sound and not to sign; I slide down to the floor; I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I just forgot -

"Oh, Troye, Troye it's okay, you're safe, I'm just worried about you, sweetheart. I'm just worried." She sits next to me, taking my hands and staring into my eyes. "Troye, you're safe now..."

I nod, shaking, no I'm not, no I'm not -

"Tokky, you're safe."

I feel myself slowly relaxing, breathing easier, but I'm not really safe, if I was then Julian wouldn't have found me and -

"Troye, darling, breathe..."

I take shaky breaths, trying to calm down, trying to keep my eyes open and my heart beating normally, trying to just breathe.

I wrap my hands around Mum's leaning into her, her heartbeat slow and steady and normal and okay and calm and it matches up with mine and I breathe.

I glance up for a second and see Tyde standing at the top of the stairs, watching us, but before i can see his expression he just turns around and seconds later, his door clicks shut.

Mum stands up taking me with her. "You alright, Tokky?"
I nod.

"I'm sorry that I yelled, I'm just worried for you constantly." I nod again and she takes it as an invitation to continue. "You don't have to speak if you don't want to, I suppose, Troye. Just remember that you're safe now. Okay?" She brushes her fingers across my chin, tilting my head up to look at her. "Okay?"

I nod, just accepting her apology and agreeing that no I can't speak, I don't want to, I can't, Mum, I love you and so I can't.

I can't bring myself to be sorry for that.

The next day, Mum thought that it would be a good idea for Tyde to have his friends sleep over and try and get some sense of normalcy into the house. So Tyde, Ben, Alexis, and Maisie are all laughing about something in the living room when I come in. Mum is baking cookies, the smell of chocolate chips drifting through the thin walls of the house like wind carrying messages of warmth and light and noise. People are talking and the noise isn't too much, it's perfect and homely and wonderful and somehow I don't want it to end.

I shake my head as Tyde makes to get up and turn off the music he has playing in the background of it all and bring the house back into silence. But I like this noise too much to give it up for the creepy silence that I needed to stay sane.

Maybe this works, too.

Maybe noise to banish the silence would banish the fear away too.

But even if it doesn't, right now, it just makes this place feel a little more like home.