alaska • harry styles

Prologue

Dedicated to
to Lina,
to Luke
and to everyone
who decided to
keep fighting,
when all they wanted to
do was give up.

The snowflakes swirled through the air as I stumbled over the white snow, my feet leaving a deep mark with every single step I made. The sound of my shoes hitting the snow was somehow calming and melodical, like each one played its own symphony. I could keep on listening to that sound for hous, but the one being louder happened to be the one of my heart shattering with every new minute that had been gone to waste now. I felt tears stinging my eyes, turning my view watery, matching my clouded mind. I carried one of the last cartons filled with another piece of our old home to some navy blue and old van that would later transport our whole furniture to Canada.

This house was the last thing I had left of the belongings of my dad, the very last thing. And I had to leave it behind to 'start a new life in Canada' as my mother said.

I couldn't believe her when she first said we'd move out of the US. How could she get over my dad, her husband in a matter of two months? Is it even possible to get over the love of your life? Or did she just never love him? Did he even mean anything to her? Then how could she be so carefree? I still remembered the last time that he told me that he loved me, I still remembered when he looked me in the eye and told me that I'm strong and can get through anything. I still remembered and I always will.

I felt the lump in my throat again that had been keeping me away from food for the last 21 hours and a shockwave of pain rushing through my body. I put the heavy carton down in the trunk of the van, leaning on the side of it to catch my breath back. My lungs felt like they were on fire, whenever I tried to refill them with air.

Every bone, every muscle of my body was aching, but the thing that worried me the most was that I ran out of air, I somehow wasn't able to breathe properly. I knew I was about to have another panic attack when I started feeling anger boiling up in me.

"Ally? Ally, what are you doing?" I heard a voice from behind. I knew that voice. Sometimes I wish I didn't.

I turned around to see my mom with a crate in her arms, trying not to drop it while walking. I even considered offering my help, but I decided not to.

I don't know if I actually hated her. I feel like I just hated people in general.

Ever since I was a child, I wasn't good at socialising. I could never really see people as friends. I saw them either as best friends or enemies and that was the problem. I either got too attached or I didn't even give them a chance. I don't exactly know why I was like this. All I know is that I have always been a mess and I will always be.

I watched my mom walking over to me. I immediately smelled her strong cologne when she stood beside me. She threw the crate in the trunk of the van and stared at me with her dark eyes.

"None of your business" I said disgusted. I took a step back and crossed my arms over my chest. I was on the verge of tears and my mom was about to yell at me for being the ungrateful daughter.

I bit on my lip to keep the tears from spilling. I didn't want my mom to see me crying. She was already ashamed enough of me, crying wasn't even necessary.

„Ally, I really don't get why you're acting that way around me since the past two weeks! I am your mother! I didn't even do anything! Be glad that I finally got us out of this mess of a house! Can't you at least be a bit grateful for once? Do you even know how long it takes to earn enough money to buy a house in Canada? No, I don't think so! Because otherwise you wouldn't act like an ignorant bitch!" my mother started to yell louder with each word she said.

I held back a laugh by biting my bottom lip until it felt numb. This was hilarious. I wondered why I even called this woman my mother.

I'm not an expert, but I don't think that a mother calls her daughter an ignorant bitch.

I tried not to care, oh god, I tried so hard, but deep on the inside it hurt. I may have seemed carefree, but deep down I cared so much more than I should.

"Thanks, mom. If I can even call you that, because you're actually far from acting the way a mother should" I said, taking a step back.

"When did you turn so cold?" she asked, completely ignoring what I just said.

Her dark grey eyes were full of disrespect, hate and something that looked like shame of having to call me her daughter.

I had always known that she preferred my sisters over me. She had never liked me and she tried her best to show me. I just wasn't the daughter she wanted me to be. I didn't have the best grades, I didn't wear tons of make up on my face; all in all I just wasn't worth anything.

"People get cold when they realise that their warmth isn't esteemed" I said under my breath.

She laughed. I blankly stared at her without any hint of an emotion. I couldn't even get the reason for her sudden outburst, but I didn't even try to understand this woman anymore. She didn't deserve my attention anymore. I kept on staring straight at her face, waiting for her to stop laughing at my words. And that took long enough.

„So it's you who's complaining about her life now? My husband died and you're complaining about your life?"

„It was my father by the way. And I know that a lot of people have it worse than me but that doesn't make my problems irrelevant. And now, just leave me alone" I hissed, looking down to my feet again.

She didn't even say one more word, even though I actually expected her to slap me for telling her what to do, but she didn't. She just turned on her heel and got in the car, ready to get away from here, ready to let go of the past. And I copied her moves, taking a seat in the back of the car, not ready to get away from here and also not ready to let go of anything. No matter how hard I'd try to let go of my past, it would always keep on hunting me in my thoughts and dreams. And that's why I didn't even try, that's why I just gave up and let them tell me what to do.

I didn't care anymore. They won. And now it was time to admit it.

A/N: this is short, sorry but this is just the prologue so the chapters will get longer

stay alive friends