alaska • harry styles

Chapter 26

I walked home with the thought of Harry constantly bugging me. I didn't know what to do. On one hand I wanted to tell him and finally open up, but on the other I was scared, scared to death. I knew he wouldn't like me back anyways. I mean why would he like me? All I had ever been was rude and cold, there was literally no way in hell that Harry would like me.

I still couldn't stop the thoughts when I had reached the house and already climbed up the stairs to my room. When I pushed the door to my room open, I felt a part of me secretly wishing he was there, but as I had expected he wasn't.

I was on my own again and as always I felt a sudden wave of loneliness crushing over me and pulling me down. The waves tore at my skin and pulled me further into the depths of the ocean and I couldn't fight the feeling no longer but I couldn't give up as well, either because I was too strong or too weak. All I could do was accept the fact that I was drowning in myself and it was killing me slowly, or rather I was killing myself slowly.

I don't know why I felt so lonely when I clearly had someone by my side. I had Luke and I had Harry and they were definitely not nobody. Honestly they were the only thing still keeping me here after all. They hadn't left me throughout it all, but I still felt so lonely.

I rubbed my tired eyes and looked at the picture frames upon the blank wall, showing me and my dad when things still were okay. Or at least I thought they were. I wondered what advice he would give me now if I told him my current situation. Would he say that things will get better? Probably not. He knew that sometimes it feels like nothing's going to be okay. Would he tell me to isolate myself as I always do? I don't think so. He always wanted me to be happy, I doubt that he would tell me to isolate myself. I walked closer to the wall and looked at the framed photo as tears welled up in my eyes. I missed him. I missed him so much and it just wouldn't go away. It just wouldn't stop. I didn't know what to do. I clearly didn't want to forget about him as my mom always told me to, but I knew I couldn't be happy when I continued missing him. I was trapped and I had no way out of this. This sadness would haunt me forever.

A sigh escaped my throat and I decided to change into some warmer clothes, considering it was freezing cold in my room since I hadn't turned on the heater earlier.

I considered going and talking to Harry, knowing that'll be the best method to save me from myself, even though it might be the hardest method as well. I was so scared of opening up to him and finally telling him how I actually felt inside me that I had been avoiding it ever since I met him, but now it was the right time for it.

But before I made my way out of my room, I realised that I was depressed to walk all the way to his place. I couldn't do it, I knew I would break down halfway, so I did the only other thing that came to my mind and dialled his number. It only took a few seconds until he picked up.

"Ally?"

"I-I'm sorry" I said as I collapsed on the cold floor and tears started falling from my tired eyes. I was at a loss for words and I was overcome with so many feelings at once that I couldn't point out what I was feeling at all.

"What's wrong? Are you okay?" Harry asked, worry swinging in his soft but concerned voice.

"N-no. I-I'm not okay. I c-can't do this a-any longer" I finally admitted as I heard shuffling on the other side of the line.

"Ally, please don't do anything stupid. I'll be there in a few minutes, hold on for me, okay?"

I nodded as I realised he couldn't see me, so I told him that the front door's open and cut the call. As I promised, I didn't do anything and just laid there in silence, too sad to even move a muscle.

I listened to the sound of my steady breathing and kept my attention focused on the white ceiling above me which made me feel so small. My eyes hurt but I didn't have the energy to close them, so I stared at the depressing shade of white until I heard Harry entering my room.

He didn't say anything and came over to me, lying down beside me and trying to find the right words to say. His familiar scent filled my nostrils and his presence took away some of the emptiness that filled the room.

I felt his eyes secretly lingering on me, but I pretended I didn't see. I must have looked horrible, considering that I had been crying for the past thirty minutes and the dark shadows under my eyes seemed to grow darker by every passing day.

"Thank you for coming" I said quietly and he cracked a hesitant smile as he pulled me in his arms.

"Anytime" he told me as he held me and I didn't feel like pushing him away for once, "I'm here for you, don't forget that. You're not alone."

I laid my head against his chest and listened to his rhythmic heartbeat as tears slowly rolled down my cheeks. "I feel so lonely and I-I don't know why" I said with huge gaps in between the words, "I can't forget about the past, it's haunting me. I'm fighting this war against myself and I'm losing. I've lost myself. I just don't know who I even am anymore. I can't understand why my heart is so broken and why there's nothing I can do to fix it. Sometimes it feels like I'm just not meant to be happy. I can't find a reason to stay in this fucked up world, do you understand?"

"Have you ever lost someone important to you?" he asked me out of the blue and I looked up at him in confusion.

"Yes" I said hesitantly.

"How did you feel afterwards?"

"Suicidal."

"That's a reason to stay alive" he said and suddenly everything made sense to me. If I were to kill myself, the pain wouldn't disappear, I would just make it pass onto someone else. If I were to kill myself, I would pass all the pain I dealt with onto Harry.

"I know I'm sounding horribly selfish when I'm telling you to stay when you're clearly hurting here, but I need you, Ally. I couldn't handle you being gone" he told me truthfully, "but the truth is I can't save you. Only you can save yourself. But I can love you and I will love you."

"You do?" I asked, flustered by his words. I turned on his lap to get a better look and watch his face faltering as his grip around me loosened slowly.

"Well... yeah, I do."

For the first time in the past few hours, I finally had a reason to smile. I looked into his green eyes as my heart started beating faster and the emptiness inside my chest vanished for a moment.

"I'm sorry, I made everything so awkward now" he laughed sadly, but I shook my head in disagreement.

"I love you too" I said which caught his attention again and he looked back at me with a flustered look on his face.

"You do?"

I nodded and leaned in closer until my forehead was pressed against his one and our lips were only inches apart.

"I love you so damn much" he said and quickly wiped away another tear that escaped from my eye before kissing me passionately.

We kissed until his phone started ringing and seperated us, causing the both of us to laugh. "I'm sorry" he said chuckling as he pulled out his cell phone and looked at the screen.

I watched him reading the lines upon the screen and waited patiently until he looked back up at me.

"My mom's asking when I'll be home" he said as he locked his phone again and put it away. I felt a shiver running down my spine as he mentioned leaving and my eyes widened for a second.

"Please don't go" I whispered and he quickly pulled me in his arms again as he noticed my fear.

"Hey, it's okay, Ally. I won't go. I'll stay with you tonight if that's what you want. Don't be afraid" he said with a smile on his face and I nodded thankfully.

"This is weird, I'm sorry. I'm just scared, that's all. I'm sorry if I'm being clingy" I apologised, but he disobeyed quickly.

"Don't be sorry, I understand."

A/N: this is the second to last chapter i guess. honestly i'm so sorry, i don't want this book to end this makes me so sad. but i already have another book planned as well so hopefully that'll make up for it haha

and yas finally there's some hally action in this i'm happy and ally is kinda happy as well and harry is probably happy so we're all pretty happy rn lol

stay alive friends

(Photo credits: http://s4.favim.com/orig/141106/dark-death-flowers-grunge-Favim.com-2215004.jpg )