alaska • harry styles

Chapter 13

I came out of the bathroom a few minutes later to find Lucas in the kitchen. He smiled at me and laid his phone on the counter which he was leaning against.

"I ordered p-pizza, I hope you don't mind" he said insecure.

"No, pizza's great" I replied, tucking a loose strand of my hair behind my ear.

I tried to act casual, but it was hard. It was really hard. I didn't want Lucas to think we're friends or something, but it was so hard to be rude to him. He was so insecure about literally everything and I didn't want to hurt him, but I knew that if I'd let myself get closer to him, I'll only end up getting heartbroken. I didn't know what to do.

The pizza arrived ten minutes later and when we had finished eating, we decided to go to the park.

It was a cold day with lots of snow and low temperatures. The streets and roofs were buried underneath thick layers of pure snow which made walking a bit harder.

I inhaled the freezing air as Lucas and I stumbled down the driveway. "Are you gonna go on that school trip?" he asked me, his head bowed.

"I don't know, I don't think so" I said, "Are you?"

"I don't really wanna go either, but I once skipped and went to school, just that my schedule was changed for that week. Well, it was horrible" he told me.

"What happened?" I asked, raising an eyebrow at him.

He thought for awhile before he simply shrugged. "Just a lot of strangers" he said.

I frowned but then decided to shrug it off and just nod. I knew Lucas was shy and he probably didn't like strangers, but I felt like he wasn't being completely honest here. Whatever it was, it was probably involving Harry. I wanted to ask Lucas about him so badly, but he had already made it obvious that he didn't like talking about Harry.

"Lucas?" I suddenly said.

His head shot up, but he didn't look at me, he just looked down the street. "You can call me Luke" he spoke up.

"Okay, Luke" I said, "when did Harry start bullying you?"

I didn't even have to see his face to know that his smile just dropped. I immediately regretted mentioning Harry.

Harry is Lucas' bully, why would he wanna talk about him?

"Well" he muttered, "a few months ago, I guess."

I slowly nodded and decided to shrug it off. This was stupid anyways. I couldn't see the background of Harry's actions, but they confused me so much.

I felt like I was walking an endless street of broken dreams, surrounded by all my demons that refused to go away. I could see no end of the road and I was lost in the fog. It didn't matter if I screamed, yelled or shouted at the top of my lungs, no one would hear me. No one. I was alone. I was all alone with my biggest enemy which is no other than myself.

We reached the park and sat down on the same bench as we did a few days ago, after shoving the snow off. I buried my hands deeper in my pockets just like my dad would.

I miss him. I miss him so much.

I blankly stared at the ground and watched the snow falling. My eyes felt watery from the cold air. And again I felt the familiar emptiness swallowing me.

I wondered what Luke was thinking about. He seemed to have a loud mind since he was quiet. I liked how everything he said had a deeper meaning which you could only see when you read between the lines.

I tucked a strand of my hair behind my ear and leaned back. I crossed my arms over my chest so I could feel my heartbeat through my coat.

It scared me how there was barely a thing that could make me feel alive. I didn't feel alive at all. The only thing that made me feel alive was physical pain and that's probably why I caused it myself. I didn't punch walls because I was simply an aggressive person in general, I did it because it distracted me from the mental pain I was feeling.