alaska • harry styles

Chapter 14

The next few days passed by faster than I had thought. It was already the middle of December which means that our school trip would be soon. Today to be exact.

As I had expected I was forced to go along. When I told my mom, she seemed kinda happy about getting rid of me for a whole week. I don't understand why she would spend so much money on a daughter that she hated, though. I tried everything to convince her that it would be better to let me stay, but she refused.

I was throwing some shirts in my suitcase as I noticed my snow globe in the pocket of a cardigan. I sighed and sat it down on my desk.

I hadn't taken it out for a few days. I don't really know why. Whenever I looked at it, I felt my stomach dropping and I started overthinking again. The demons in my head were already loud enough and when I started overthinking, it felt like they were screaming at the top of their lungs. I couldn't handle it.

I packed the last things, including the snow globe and I closed my suitcase. I didn't want to go. I already knew this is gonna end badly.

When I was younger, I didn't have these problems. I was very sensitive and I always cared more than I should, but I wasn't depressed and I didn't have anxiety. I wasn't quite popular either, but I never thought it's important. I had some best friends and I was happy with it. Well, at least until everything slowly disappeared in front of my eyes. When my dad left, I broke. Everything was destroyed, I was ruined. I tried to ask for help, I really did, but everyone just told me that it will soon get better and it's just a phase of growing up. But I don't think so. Are suicidal thoughts, depression, anxiety and panic attacks actually just a phase that everyone experiences? I don't think so, but my opinion doesn't matter.

I sighed and grabbed my suitcase as I heard the doorbell ringing. Luke had offered to pick me up since his mom was driving him to school where we would be leaving later.

I stumbled down the stairs, trying not to trip over my own feet.

I slowly opened the door to reveal Luke. He seemed sad when I first looked at him, but he immediately faked a smile as soon as his eyes met mine.

"Hi" he said carefully. He cracked his knuckles, just the way I always did, and looked around to avoid eye contact.

"Hey" I mumbled under my breath. I quickly put on my shoes and coat, along with a scarf and a beanie and grabbed my phone.

"Mom! I'm leaving!" I yelled. I didn't really expect and answer, but leaving without announcing would be weird.

I grabbed my suitcase and walked out of the door with Luke.

"Here, let me take it" he quickly said and took it from me. I thanked him and we got into the car.

I was greeted by his mom who introduced herself as Liz. I didn't really know how to continue the conversation after I told her my name so I decided to just end it.

This was awkward.

For the entire ride the silence seemed so loud. Things had been pretty strange between Luke and I since I saw his scars. I wanted to talk to him about it and even though I hate to admit it, I wanted to help him.

I quickly turned on the radio to avoid the terrible silence and hummed along to the familiar song.

"You like Nirvana?" Luke asked, looking at his hands.

"Yeah" I said quietly. I was slowly losing more and more of my fake confidence. I already knew that this trip will cause trouble.

*

I was woken up by loud voices cutting through the silence. I slowly opened my eyes and blinked a few times, yet my eyes were already used to the darkness.