alaska • harry styles

Chapter 16

I reread the six lines over and over again. I didn't know how to feel about it. I guess I was kinda happy, but at the same time I felt a sharp pain cutting through my veins.

He had planned this. The both of them had planned this. They planned this, even though they knew how it would destroy me. They knew it would fucking tear me apart.

I guess I never meant anything to anyone at all.

I guess I just shouldn't be happy.

I guess colour just isn't supposed to exist in my grey world.

I took a deep breath and clenched my jaw. The voices inside my brain got louder by every second until they were screaming all the things I never wanted to hear at me.

"What does it say?" Harry asked carefully, referring to the piece of paper that was now crumbled in my fist.

I felt anger rushing through my veins; his words were hurricanes, yet he splashed them around like they were puddles without knowing it. Each word that left his mouth had a scary and harmful impact on me and I didn't know why. I was drowning in an ocean of words and even though I was screaming for help, all I got told was to learn how to swim.

I laughed sarcastically. "What it fucking says? Well, I'm not an expert but according to the words of my dad who's not alive anymore, it sounds like nobody ever gave a shit about me and nobody ever will! Not to forget that my name's obviously Alaska and not Ally" I spat and turned away.

This was too much. Everything was too much.

I ran off. Or at least I tried to.

"Don't do this" Harry said and pulled me back by my wrist, "Don't run away."

"Don't fucking tell me what to do!" I hissed, trying to get out of his tight grip.

"Please stop running away from things that hurt you. The pain is inside of you, you can't run away from it."

"Fine. That's what everyone says. Everyone fucking tells me that it's pointless to run away from my problems and I'm so fucking sick of it! I know that it's pointless, I fucking know it! Everyone keeps telling me that it's no option, but no one ever gives me another one!" I yelled at Harry.

He held my hands in his until I gave up on trying to get away. I wanted to punch him, I wanted to hurt someone and destroy everything so I could watch it all shattering and breaking down. I was furious and heartbroken, but there was no way in the world that I would show it.

It's funny, isn't it?

I had been spending my past few months suffering from a loss and now it turned out that it wasn't a loss at all. Who even knows? My dad could be still alive and he'd still pretend to be dead so he could get rid of me.

I shouldn't have trusted him. He was just like everyone else.

"Stay" Harry said softly, "just stay."

I gave him a confused look. Why should I stay? Why should I bother everyone with my problems?

"I care about you" he said as if he read my mind.

"Well, you shouldn't" I told him, trying to hold back the pool of tears that was forming in my eyes and threatening to spill out every second.

Harry sighed. "But I do" he said hesitating.

"I know you don't, stop pretending."

I watched his face dropping and for a moment I thought he would burst out in tears. I hoped he realised that I'm a hopeless case. I can't get my walls broken down, I worked so hard on them. I know that I can't get fixed. I'm too broken and everytime he tried to get to me he cut himself on the broken pieces of me and even though there were times when I wanted to destroy everything, I didn't want to destroy Harry.