alaska • harry styles

Chapter 11

I stared at the notebook in my hands. I was desperate to write a novel about my feelings, but the pages stayed empty.

I couldn't explain the feeling inside my chest. I guess my heart was just shattered and spread across the space that my ribcage offered. I was dizzy and confused. I had so many questions, but there was no one who would answer them or even listen to them. I was alone.

Time passed so slow, minutes felt like hours. Every moment was another battle where I had to resist the strong urge to punch a wall or destroy everything, but there was a difference. It was just in my head and I hate myself for it. I tried my best not to lose control over myself like I usually do when I feel so empty. I'm my own biggest enemy and I'm scared of the things I'm able to do when I lose control.

I slowly shook my head as an attempt to stop myself from thinking.

I turned the page and looked at one of my old drawings which I had created a few months ago. I remember painting it and I hadn't looked at it ever since. It was two days after my father's death. I wasn't necessarily suprised that my painting wasn't beautiful, it wasn't supposed to. It was supposed to express my feelings because art never comes from happiness.

I slammed my notebook shut and violently threw it at the wall. I cracked my knuckles as an attempt to remain calm and I leaned back against the headboard.

I missed my dad. A lot. I tried to hide my loss and people would believe that I didn't care when in reality I cared way too much. My mom had obviously forgotten about him- something I should probably do as well, but I couldn't. He was gone. He wasn't going to return. He was dead for god's sake.

I digged my fingernails in the back of my hand and closed my eyes. I took a deep breath to stop the tears that were threatening to spill out as I was overthinking again.

I took the snow globe in my hands and shook it swiftly. I watched as the snow swirled around and slowly fell to the ground again, covering the little landscape.

I wondered if this place existed on earth. It looked like the most peaceful location. I guess that's why my dad chose to give it to me.

Wait what?

I slowly sat up straight and let my hands sink in my lap as my eyes grew wide.

How is this possible? This doesn't make sense at all!

I stumbled over to the window and pressed my forehead against the glass. My breath left stains where it collided with the cold as I struggled, trying to refill my lungs with air. I bit my lip, feeling how anger was boiling up in me.

What kind of wicked game is this? How come I didn't realise what a lie this is? Because how is my father leaving heritage behind when his death is unplanned?

I threw punches against the wall until my hands felt numb and my knuckles were red. I felt tears brimming in my eyes as I buried my face in my hands to hide my embarrassment.

"Ally! What's going on?" I heard my mother's voice from behind.

I didn't hear her entering my room over the sound of the voices in my head which told me to continue destroying everything, including myself. But I knew this was my chance to get answers and I knew I had to take it.

I took a sharp breath and turned around. I cracked my knuckles again and watched my mom flinching at the sound. I knew she was about to tell me that I had to stop doing this, but before she could even open her cruel mouth, I confronted her.

"You knew it, didn't you?" I spat, crossing my arms over my chest.

She furrowed her eyebrows at me and leaned back against the door frame. "I have no clue what you're talking about" she said.