alaska • harry styles

Chapter 8

"I'm leaving, bye!" I yelled. I threw the door shut behind me and stumbled down the driveway. My mother was pissing me off. School was pissing my off. Everything did. How could she think I'd be so dumb? How could she think I'd have no second thought about it?

I ran down the road, leaving footprints in the high snow that covered the pavement as thoughts clouded my mind.

I was overthinking again. I spent most of my life overthinking, but I couldn't help it. My thoughts were slowly but clearly killing me.

I had no way out, even if I ran, I could never escape. These days, society tells you to let go and escape from what's haunting you, but you cannot escape from yourself.

I remembered a quote that my physics teacher once told me and since that day, it really stuck with me. The silent oceans are the deepest ones, he said. It hit me when I realised that it was actually telling a lot about people's fight against themselves. The most silent people have the loudest mind and mine was basically screaming.

The voices were screaming that I can never escape and they were right.

I used to have this one person that was my lifeline, but now that he was gone and I couldn't feel his arms wrapped around my waist anymore, I felt myself fading from life.

I wasn't living anymore, I was just killing time meanwhile time was killing me.

Wherever I'd go I'd see his face, it didn't matter wheter I was dreaming or wide awake, he was everywhere. But the memory and a white snow globe were all I had left.

I felt it in the side my thin wool cardigan that would hit my thigh every time I'd take a step further through the mess of snow. When I left the house, I wasn't thinking of bringing a coat, considering I was busy trying to get away from people who never cared wheter I was in their lives or not. I hated my mother. I hated my school. I hated everything and everyone. And I didn't plan on changing that. I was so done with my mother's lies and I was so done with being misleaded by someone who doesn't give a fuck.

I was so done with everything and everyone. How could my life turn upside down so easily? How could I become the monster I am now in only a matter of weeks? Everything was a mess, including me.

I stopped running when I reached the park. I sat down on a bench and pulled my knees up to my chest after shoving the snow off the frozen wood. It was freezing cold, especially when you were sitting in a snow storm with no jacket on, but I couldn't give less of a fuck. I wanted to be alone, away from all of the trouble. And I wanted to feel. I wouldn't care whether it was pain, sorrow or fear, I'd accept anything as long as the numbness would fade for at least a short period of time.

I hugged my knees tighter and watched the snowflakes falling to the ground. They reminded me of society and they reminded me of myself. It seemed like every single person is its own snowflake and each of them is beautiful in their own way but when they come together, they create something amazingly beautiful.

I shivered and looked at my hands which were as pale as always, only my knuckles started to redden. The feeling kind of, sort of relaxed me and I caught the hint of a smile crossing my face.

"Ally? I-is that y-you?" I heard a voice from behind. I shrieked but turned my head without hesitation to look into a familiar pair of icy blue eyes.

Lucas. It was Lucas. The one that's been ignoring me for the past few hours and the one that's been helping me finding my classes. I didn't know how to exactly feel about him, so I decided to treat him the way I treated everyone. I didn't know why, I just did it.

"What a-are you doing here?" Lucas asked and came sitting next to me. I tightened my grip around my legs and rolled my eyes.

"Sitting on a bench" I said, stating the obvious.