alaska • harry styles

Chapter 9

Since being at Lucas' place it has been thirteen hours. When I got home, my mother was already asleep on the couch and a bottle of vodka in her hand which was odd. My mother wasn't a drinker. It's true that she started drinking more when my father left, but this was still odd.

Now I was sitting in a classroom with painted walls and terribly ugly drawings guiding the emptiness of the room. I felt so lonely between all these laughing and loudly talking students and I hated myself for that. I had this weird habit where I wanted people to know that I suffer, but I didn't want them to know that I suffer and that was basically the hardest thing to explain. I wanted to have friends, but I couldn't socialise. I wanted to get better, wanted to be happy, but I was afraid of failing, of falling even harder. I wasn't too lazy to try, I was just too terrified of failing.

Is that stupid?

I've been wondering too much lately, even more than I used to before. My entire life seemed to consist of nothing but over thinking and wondering.

I am weird. I am really weird.

I took a sharp breath and ruffled my hand through my hair. Out of all people, I was waiting for Lucas to come, but he was nowhere to be seen. Harry wasn't there either, but yesterday he showed up too late as well, so I didn't really care.

Why am I even thinking about Harry? He's annoying and I don't give a fuck about him. I don't give a fuck about anyone. I don't need anyone.

I leaned back and was overcome with the feeling of happiness when I saw Lucas walking to me. He smiled insecure and sank in his chair beside me.

"Hi" I said, turning over to him. He struggled getting his notebooks out of his bag, but quickly cracked a smile as response.

He leaned back and laid his hands in his lap. He had dark circles under his slightly puffy eyes which immediately caught my attention. He looked like he's been crying for hours and the lighting in his blue eyes was gone.

Something about him worried me. I don't know why I even cared about him and I don't know why I felt protective over him. I didn't want to feel this way. I tried to shrug it off by crossing my arms over my chest and staring out of the window, but the thought of Lucas crying haunted me.

"So, Blink 182, huh?" I asked him, mentioning his band shirt.

His eyes lit up for a second and he nodded his head. "Y-you like th-them too?" he stuttered.

"They're good" I smiled at him.

I was about to give my attention to the window again, but something caught my gaze. Or rather someone. Harry entered the room with his head slightly bowed and his curly hair soaking wet. He walked to his usual seat in the back where he was greeted by some of his friends. Needless to say that most of them were female.

I rolled my eyes and cracked my knuckles. I changed my position and started to watch the rainy-snow hitting against the windows. I liked the rain, a lot to be honest. There was something magical about it that made it special, I wasn't aware of what it was though. Maybe it was the soft sound of raindrops pounding on the roofs and pavements. Maybe it was the hope of drowning in something else than my thoughts. I didn't know.

The lessons passed by and I didn't pay attention at all. Most of the time I was distracted by my own thoughts which made it so hard to listen properly since they literally screamed at me. They were louder than they used to be and I could no longer handle them.

Is that weird? I guess it is.

*

A wave of relief hit me when I heard the bell ring to signal the break. I couldn't stand this anymore. I had to get away from here. I had to get away fron everything and everyone. I had to be on my own, because every minute I spent around people seemed to destroy me and I would rather destroy myself than having other people do it.