alaska • harry styles

Chapter 17

I jumped up on my feet and ran for my life. I felt the adrenaline rushing through my veins and my heart pounding so loudly inside of my ribcage while tears streamed down my face and blurred my view. There was a fire burning inside of me, setting every emotion I knew in flames to let me feel all of them at the same time and now I didn't know which was better; burning in the fire or dying from the cold.

I felt worthless. I felt pathetic and hopeless, lost and angry. I felt like the whole damn world came crashing down on me and no matter how fast I ran, I couldn't escape, but I didn't have the guts to stop running. I was so sick of trying, of trying over and over again, but I couldn't stop because I was too scared. I was terrified of the end, even though I sometimes begged for it to come.

My thoughts were messed up, but right now they were clear. All I wanted was find Harry and punch the shit out of him.

I sprinted down the halls until I had reached his room where I surprisingly didn't even have to knock because he was standing right in the hallway with his phone pressed to his ear.

When my eyes caught him, I swear, I lost control over my body.

"What the-"

"You fucking bastard!" I yelled as I tackled him, landing right on top of him.

"You think it's funny giving suicidal people a reason to hurt themselves? Huh! You think it's funny to hurt someone so much that they would eventually hurt themselves? You fucking bastard!"

I could barely see through my wet lashes, but I'm pretty sure that I hit his nose when I violently threw my first punch. My fists collided with his face over and over again until I was pulled back by a pair of strong arms around my waist.

"Let me go! Let me go!" I screamed through the tears while trying to get out of that person's grasp.

"Breathe, Ally" I heard Luke's soft voice from right next to my ear.

I searched for his hands and tightly gripped onto them, knowing I was close to having a panic attack. I tried to focuse my attention on things I was feeling, hearing and seeing in order to get my mind off things.

I wished I could blast some music now until I could no longer feel anymore, because my thoughts were destroying me and silence wasn't any better. Luke's soft breathing was all I could hear besides the footsteps running down the halls and the violent voices inside my head.

I felt his heartbeat against my back and I had never been more happy to feel it.

What if he had taken it any further?

It would be my fault. This all happened because of me. If I had stopped Harry, if I had looked for him earlier, this wouldn't have happened. Also, if I weren't so pathetic and worthless, my dad probably would have never left me. This is all my damn fault and I hate myself for it. I hate myself for never being good enough, for always being depressed and anxious, for overthinking all the time and the list goes on. But mostly I hate myself for not being able to give anyone a reason to stay. Everyone that's ever meant something to me has left and I'm the only one to blame, because I couldn't give them a reason to stay. And once again I'm slowly drowning in the sea of my own thoughts.

I'm sinking in memories and flashbacks of reality and even though everything's a blur and seems of unrealistic, I can't wake up, because this is not a dream. I feel like there's a weight tugging on me that's pulling me under and I'm so far from the surface that all hope is forsaken. My legs are numb and my arms have given up and so have I and everyone else, but it won't come to an end, because my mind seems to be eternal. The sadness is endless and if that's my life, I don't want it.