alaska • harry styles

Chapter 10

Harry and I walked to the nearest Starbucks he knew. I didn't say a word as we were leaving deep footprints in the snow, probably because I didn't know what to say and secondly I didn't even want to talk. I didn't feel comfortable with his presence, I didn't feel comfortable with anyone's presence.

Except for him.

My father. The one that held me tight when I broke down, the one that understood my words like no one else and the one that left me behind in confusion.

I miss him. A lot. I've never known how much you can actually suffer from a loss until I lost him. I can't let go. I can still remember the words he told me which I never understood, but never got out of my head.

"Ally, there will come a day when I won't be around anymore. I won't be there to dry your tears or to tell you that everything will be alright. But I want you to know that I'll always be with you, okay?" he said, each word chosen carefully and spoken softly.

I nodded my head. "Okay, daddy" I smiled unknowingly. I wrapped my tiny arms around his waist and pressed my ear against his chest, so I could listen to his rhythmic heartbeat.

Today I regretted my actions more than anything. I didn't understand what he was talking about and I just decided to go with it. I could have changed everything if I had asked what he wanted to tell me by that, but my nine-year-old self didn't think of that.

Gosh, just how much I hate myself.

"What's on your mind?" Harry asked me. I glanced at him and saw a smile on his face while his eyes lingered on me.

Does he really expect an answer?

"Nothing" I huffed and rolled my eyes.

"Tell me" he demanded and slowed down his pace.

"Listen" I snapped in annoyance, "I agreed to go get something to eat with you, but I did not agree to telling you my life story!"

I watched his head tilting and I caught a glimpse of his eye which showed pain. I had hurt him and I felt guilty for a moment, but shrugged it off. I never wanted to be the reason for someone's sorrow and I never wanted anyone to feel the way I had to feel. When I started to lose control over my feelings, my body and in particular myself, I stopped caring. People told me I've changed and I'm not as nice as I used to be before and they're right. Yes, I've changed and no, I don't regret it. I've learned that I mustn't set myself on fire for people who enjoy watching me burn, but once they're tired of the heat or simply warm enough, they extinguish the flames. I prefer being cold, even if that means I have to be alone.

"Sorry" he said and quickened his pace again. I tried my best to catch up which was nearly impossible since he had amazingly long legs and I had a short frame.

*

I watched people hurrying by as tons of snow were pounding down on the pavements. I've been trying to avoid Harry or a possibly starting conversation ever since we got here. He was sitting beside me as I focused my attention on the window which separated me from the thousand people.

I'd prefer drowning in the mass instead of talking to one person. I can't even tell why, the thought of trusting or breaking down in front of someone scares me a lot. Is that weird?

I ran my fingers along the sides of my coat until I felt the round glass in my pocket. I smiled to myself and rested my hand in connection to the snow globe.

I wondered how it had came to this. This situation had been feeling like a surreal dream and no matter how desperate I was, I couldn't wake up. Ever since he disappeared and left me behind in confusion I've been despising and doubting myself. Since the second he's been gone, my lungs were clouded with self hatred, my breath was fading away and my heart was as cold as ice. I couldn't move on from my loss, I was stuck with it and I knew that I would be stuck with it for the rest of my life if I couldn't convince myself to move on. I wanted to forget and I wanted to start a new life, but I couldn't. I could still feel his presence lingering here and it refused to leave me alone. People told me to be happy and even though I wanted to be happy, I couldn't.