alaska • harry styles

Chapter 19

"Wait what?" I heard Harry's voice softening as tears started to fall from my eyes.

I couldn't hold them back any longer. This was all too much. I didn't understand any of this; this made no sense.

He was supposed to be dead. No one saw his death coming. But then again, he couldn't be dead. Otherwise he wouldn't have left this snow globe behind for me. Was he still alive? Then why did he leave?

I couldn't find answers to my many questions. I felt shocked, infuriated and devastated. Once again I was overcome with so many feelings that I couldn't figure out whether I was happy or sad. I was kind of happy because there was a chance that he was still alive but on the other hand I was sad because if he was still alive, he had left me on purpose. Probably because I wasn't good enough. I had never been good enough. How could I actually believe that my dad cared about me when he clearly didn't? I should have known. All in all, he was just like my mom and I was too naive.

"Ally" Harry carefully took a step forward before he pulled me in for a hug. I wrapped my arms around him and cried out all the sadness.

I was glad that he didn't confront me and forced me to explain all of this, because to be honest I didn't understand any of this either. I wished I knew the truth but deep down I was so scared of it. People always said the truth would hurt but secretly I knew that it would break me into pieces. I was surrounded by lies and lies, nothing but lies and it scared me, because most of the time I didn't even know that they weren't the truth.

"Hey" Harry slowly loosened his grip but didn't take his eyes off of me, "what do you mean?"

I nervously cracked my knuckles after wiping away the tears that ran down my face and taking a deep breath. I looked at Luke for a second and he looked just as confused as Harry.

"Several months ago... m-my dad kinda died. No o-one knows what h-happened, he just d-disappeared one day a-and they assumed he d-died" I said between sobs, "W-we then moved here and m-my mom gave me a-a snow globe, saying my dad left i-it behind for me. I-I figured that it didn't make much s-sense, b-because he can't leave it f-for me without planning his d-death. I don't know wh-where he's now."

I felt my heart aching in my ribcage again as if a thousand knives stabbed me all at once. It was getting harder to breathe and I knew I had to calm myself down or I'd have another panic attack.

I fell back in Harry's arms and cried on his shoulder, holding on for my life. I felt so lost and broken. I could say that I was used to that feeling, considering I had lost the point in living a long time ago, but once again I could watch my only hopes shattering in front of my eyes. Every hope I had left was slowly fading from me. I felt so depressed and empty. I pretty much cared about nothing for that moment and it scared me. I felt so drained that I probably wouldn't move a muscle if a car was coming in my direction. I didn't care and that scared me so fucking much.

The freezing air burned on my pale skin when it collided with my tears and sent shivers down my spine. I could barely keep my lifeless eyes open anymore, due to the fact that I was tired as hell and the cold seemed to set them on fire everytime they touched.

I was sad. One word to describe me, or rather the only word to describe me. Sadness was something horrible, yet seemed like a melody in my ears.

I had been experiencing sadness my whole life. It had always been with me, but I never feared it, because I knew that my dad would make it go away. But now he wasn't here and it hurt. He had always been here until he was suddenly gone. I had never really been lonely in my life, but now I felt lonelier than ever before. I was drowning, but no one cared. There was a weight pulling me under and no matter how hard I tried to stay above to surface, I had no chance and I knew that this would be the end of me. I was fading away and I just wished it would finally come to an end, but it didn't. My lungs were still burning at the lack of air and my heart was still beating in my chest. I had tried to save myself, oh god, I had tried so hard, but hope was forsaken.