alaska • harry styles

Chapter 7

I threw my bag over my shoulders and stumbled out of the room. I wanted to get away. I didn't want to be here. I ran down the hall, my shoes hitting the linoleum in a melodical rhythm as I ran for my life. My breath became heavier until my chest felt tight and the lump in my throat returned. I felt like I was drowning, yet I saw everyone around me breathing fine. I was drowning in my own snowglobe, I was drowning in my own little sea of ice, but there was no way for me to reach the surface.

Once I felt the thick layer of snow underneath my palm, I stopped running. I brushed my fingers through the pure snow until I felt the thick bark of an old beech. The freezing cold and the feeling of the snow between my fingers was calming me and I slowly felt myself breathing properly again. I was watching my bare knuckles turning into a bright shade of red as I heard footsteps from behind.

"Please just wait, for gods sake"

I recognised that voice. The low and deep grumble, the soft and british accent; it was Harry. I didn't move an inch, I just listened to the soft sound of his feet carrying him through the high snow.

There was cold liquid dripping from my hands, once the snow in my fists started melting, but I felt nothing. I was numb. I would've given everything to get rid of this, even if that meant it would be replaced with pain. But there was nothing. Except for Harry's warm and steady breath that hit the bare back of my neck.

"Why do you try so hard to keep everything to yourself?" I heard him say.

I took a deep breath. "Because I want to. Leave me alone" I hissed.

Harry's breath colliding with my cold skin sent chills down my spine as he stood behind me, both of us frozen in our spots. I couldn't help acting cold around him, even if it was so hard to reject him. That's why his presence scared me. I wanted to open up to him, but I didn't esnt him to know.

"Who did this to you? Who broke you so much that you don't trust anyone at all? Who destroyed you so much that you don't give any hint of emotions anymore? Who did this to you?" Harry spoke softly.

I turned on my heel to look him in the eyes. He had a fragile soul, mine was destroyed. He had a clever mind, mine was a mess. He had a hurting heart, and mine was nothing but cold. Mine was made up of every emotion I've ever felt, such as anger, pain, pressure or happiness, but when I started to feel numb, when I started to stop caring, it turned cold.

"None of your fucking business. I'm not broken and I am not destroyed and I do not need any fucking help, thank you" I snapped and walked away.

I quickened my paze and was glad when I realised that Harry wasn't following me. I headed home to find out that my mother wasn't there, so I collapsed on my bed. My veins were thin and my cheeks were red from running through the cold air. My heartbeat was still fast and I heard it over my heavy breath, beating in a melodical way as I looked up.

My room looked the same as it did before I left for school. My bed sheets were loosely hanging from the sides of my bed and my large collection of snowglobes was standing the way it did before.

I grabbed my phone and opened my messages to see that Holly, my friend back in America and an unknown number had texted me. I furrowed my eyebrows as I read the text I got, not only because I didn't expect this but also because I immediately knew who wrote it.

'You never told me your name though.'

Did he really think I was playing games? I wasn't, if I haven't made that clear yet. I couldn't help that I was so cold. I couldn't help that I hated everyone around me and mostly myself. I couldn't help my borderline disorder, there was no way for me to see a colour such as grey, there was just black or white. I couldn't help seeing everyone as either a best friend or an enemy. And I couldn't help getting annoyed and mad so easily, because no matter how hard I tried, I kept on failing. I lost my aim, I lost my reason to fight for. I've always had one, but now it was gone and I didn't know how to continue. I just wanted to be alone because I constantly felt like everything around me was falling apart, everything around me was a complete mess and so was I. I was nothing. I was living like a broken record; I was taking up space and breathing air but I wasn't living. I was actually far from living.

'What the fuck do you want and why do you even have my number?'

I hit send and smashed my phone against the wall and watched as it landed on my matress with a thud. I did this quite often and for my surprise, it's never been damaged. I wouldn't care though if I broke it one day, I could live without it too. I could actually move across the entire country with nothing but a few dollars and miss no one except for my sisters at some point.

Only a few seconds later, the ringtone went off again. "What the hell" I muttered to myself as I grabbed my phone back.

'Chill. I don't get you, are you bipolar or what?' I read out loud.

You don't get it? You don't fucking get it? Of course you don't, because you don't even want to get it.

You know what I don't get? How people dare to use mental disorders as adjectives, how people dare to make fun of serious problems while they have no clue what it feels like to suffer from it. I don't get how people can be so damn judgemental when they don't know what strong words they're using.

'Fuck off.' I typed and dropped my phone on the white and cold sheets. I was overcome by a sudden feeling of anger. I wanted to beat him up, I wanted to get rid of the anger that was boiling up in my veins and I wanted to him to regret his words.

My fists connected with my pillow as I started throwing punches at it. I was angry. No, I was furious. I was more than angry but I had no words to explain my feelings. I could continue punching my bed covers, but it didn't release any of the emotions I felt.

"Ally?!" I heard my mom yelling from downstairs as I was about to throw the closest thing to me, which happened to be a folder, against the wall.

"What?!" I yelled.

My breath was heavy, getting faster by every second as I clutched onto my black folder. My chest was rising and falling as I had my arms crossed over it and tried to resist the urge to crash the piece of thick carton.

"Come downstairs!" my mom screamed. I heard the swing in her voice which showed that she wasn't in the greatest mood. Well, same for me.

I groaned and walked to the door, but not before slamming the folder against my white wardrobe and kicking against the wall. I headed for the kitchen where my mother was currently cooking. She wasn't the best cook- okay, in fact, she was the worst and her meals probably tasted better if you had no sense of tasting.

"I've got something for you. It's some kind of heritage from you father that he had chosen for you" she said monotone and nodded her head in the direction of the table.

I furrowed my eyebrows, unsure how to feel about this. Why did she come up with this now? He's been gone for weeks and no one's ever found him since that day. I quietly grabbed the little box and opened it to reveal a snow globe.

A/N: Hally or Lally? 😂 I mean wow applause my ship names are quite impressive don't you think so? No? Okay well ANYWAY

thanks a lot for reading and voting and commenting and basically everything thanks ok