Faking Reality- Jian

Kian's POV

I can't do this. I honestly can't do this. They think it's easy being me? They think it's okay for me to bullied, taunted and pushed around every single day? They think it's okay for me to be labelled gay and for me to be told constantly to go kill myself because I am disgusting for liking guys? They really think it's easy being me? I suppose in a way, I should listen to those rumours and just do it because there is nothing for me here. I suppose I should just slit my wrists and the pain will disappear and their life will be much easier without me? But I can't. I can't listen to the rumours. I can't give in and kill myself because I have to be strong for them even though they don't understand me. They don't know I am gay and they don't know I am suffering depression and anxiety and I am sure as hell not going to tell them because it'll just make things worse than they already are. I need to stay strong even if I can't. I have to find a way. I just have to.

Do you ever have those moments where you just sit and think? Just sit and think about everything that is wrong with you. Everything that you wish you could change but can't? Everything that defines you as a person? Do you ever just sit and think about what if you were dead and how different the world would be? How better it all would be if you're not there. I know that sounds incredibly depressing and I suppose in a way, I want it to sound like that because as a person, I do have these moments and to be honest, all of these moments and feelings are actually my real reality. I really wish my reality was different and I really wish I could describe my reality as something normal but I would be lying. What my honest real reality really looks like is me being taunted, bullied and abused every single day by my peers at school and by my parents. As you have probably picked up, I am gay. And I am a closeted gay. I haven't come out to basically anyone because I don't feel safe. I feel alone in this world which is why I began this with the thoughts of suicide. You have also probably concluded that I have depression and anxiety which makes being gay harder. I realize I can't define being gay as hard but to me, my situation isn't the best situation to be in and the best environment to grow up knowing that you're gay. I shall set you a normal day to describe what I honestly mean.

I suppose with it, I should start with that I wake up each morning to the yelling of abuse between my mother and my father before my mother goes to work. These fights usually end with my mother slamming the door behind her and driving to work and my father at the kitchen table nursing his daily morning whiskey. These fights have become so incredibly constant that I know when to pick the timing to get breakfast before school. After all of this to begin my morning, I walk to school where on the way, I am constantly pushed and shoved into more than one rubbish bin and get thrown scraps and bits out of car windows in my short 15 minute walk. Then I enter hell where again, I am abused by my fellow peers by being bullied, shoved and sometimes locked in bathrooms for times on end before the day is over and it is a repeat of my morning walk. It then follows my father stumbling in after dusk completely drunk and my mother trying to reason with him until I am locked up in my room until the next morning where it happens all over again. I honestly wish I could say I am kidding but I am not. This is my reality and I am stuck in it. I wish I could find an escape but I can't. I am stuck.