Faking Reality- Jian

Final Fate: Kian's POV

It's been exactly a week since I left J.C a note of goodbye and exactly a week that I made the decision to actually go through with the thoughts in my mind. To be honest, a part of me really wants to get in my car and drive back to J.C because I know that if I go through with this, I am giving up one of the best things I have ever had in my life and one of the most secure things I've had in my life. Honestly, as I think about that, I think about one time with J.C and that was the time when we first shared a kiss on my hospital bed. I honestly love and loved that crazy weirdo and honestly I miss a lot about him. I miss his smile and his dorky laugh. I miss how he bites his lip when he's nervous. I miss the way his hair falls. But most of all, I miss the way I feel with him. When I'm with J.C as cheesy as it sounds, I feel incredibly safe and secure and I feel like I can conquer anything and for me, that's something I've always struggled with. I've always struggled with finding my common ground and finding a place that honestly accepts me for me gay and all and honestly as I sit in this dirty and cheap hotel room, that's all I can think about and I know what I need to do. I need J.C more than ever but honestly, I can't drag him into this mess of a life. I know that although he's my comfort and my strength and my rock, I will keep making mistakes and I will keep messing up and one day, J.C is going to walk away just like all the other people in my life did including my best friend. This is something not even J.C knew and this was something that I kept guarded until now because I was afraid of the feelings that this memory held and as I think about it now, I'm trying to make excuses to ignore it but I know that as I make this final decision, I need to confront it no matter how hard it may seem. Honestly, I don't want to but I need to. I will explain as I try to process the feeling of betrayal and love once more.

It happen a few years back when I was about 14. For me as a 14 year old, I was shy and quiet not to mention still in the closet and uncertain and scared that I was gay and what the consequence was. During this time, I had a best friend by the name of Sam who was a few years older than me and also was my next door neighbour. Sam and I became really close during this phase in my life as his parents went through a really bad separation and he was caught in the middle of it. What I can remember is he would come to my window each night and we use to have in a way, "Heart to Heart's" about things in life and other things happening. One night for me personally stands out. It stands out because it was the first night that I really started to grasp and explore the concept of being gay and Sam was the trigger for this. It was one of our usual nights but after a while, I remember blurting out to Sam that I believed that I was gay and I remember the look he gave me. Honestly it is still imprinted in my mind today. The look of confusion, then intrigue then a small but mischievous smile. I remember after a small and what seem like an awkward silence, Sam laid me down on my bed and the next thing I knew, he started to kiss me which for me at the time was incredibly weird but honestly, felt incredibly right. I remember Sam breaking away after a while before leaving out my window without another word. To be honest with you, I wish I could tell you that the next day I saw Sam and he asked me to be his boyfriend and I finally realized I was gay but that would be fabricating reality slightly. Honestly, the next day, Sam moved away with his father to another state and it was the last time I really actually saw Sam. I remember a few months later receiving a letter reading:

"Always follow your heart and never lose your spark because if you don't listen to your heart, you will wander and your spark will dim making you more like the people you don't want to be. Stand out. Be different. Be unique. Because you don't always have to be a mundane rock. Be a diamond who shines brighter and be the best you can be. Love you. S" and at this moment breaking down and crying because I knew that I was turning into someone I hated and the person that is remembering this today. I loved Sam in a small way and I will always have him to thank for helping me understand and realize who I really was as a person and understand myself deeper.

As I sit and remember this now, I know that I have finally lose myself in a world that was trying so hard to make me normal and mundane and I know that there is no turning back at all. I am honestly not Kian anymore. I'm the person I hate and the person who is the same as everyone else and I know what I need to do. I am slipping away and I know that the last thing I will always remember is the love that J.C brought into my life and how it honestly changed me forever.